A Jelly Holiday
by notsosolemnly
Summary: There's a Yule Ball, a snow man and a giant jelly bean stalk in this advent fanfiction.
1. Chapter 1

SUNDAY DECEMBER 1

Yule season did strange things to people. It had the power of transforming the most frumpy of individuals to a happy child, or the most tartan of teacher's offices to a kind of Santa's workshop for Scottish Folds.

Professor McGonagall was not as cheerful as the current state of her room. She was angry.

She could scream and threaten to quit her job, but Sirius just couldn't see how she expected anybody to pay attention when her office was full of squishy, grey cats with floppy ears.

"Answer me now," she said, angry. "Which one of you is the _Gumball Wizard?"_

For once in his life Sirius was innocent. He wasn't the _Gumball Wizard._ He had only spraypainted _Gumball Wizard_ on the new pinball machine in the Chamber of Fun last night.

"It's not me," said James.

He wasn't the _Gumball Wizard_ either, he had only wanted the brand new steel ball in the brand new pinball machine last night because he liked small balls. It wasn't James who had put a little gumball in its place, and thusly caused it to overheat and break down entirely while what looked like an alien life form from planet Pink devoured everything under the glass.

"Nobody," said Sirius. "Just thought it was funny."

"Funny?" said McGonagall, like she could not see it. "You thought it would be funny to put gum in a pinball machine and watch it break down?"

He hadn't thought it would be, but it had been partly because the pinball machine wasn't all that had suffered a breakdown.

"We didn't think that would happen," said Remus quietly and constantly on the verge of nodding off.

" _You_ didn't think it would happen," said Sirius. "I didn't really think anything."

"I said it wouldn't work from the beginning," said James. "Of course you can't substitute steel with sugar!"

"Why would you even need to substitute the steel ball?" McGonagall asked.

"Er... It was to test a hypothesis. Can you play pinball with a gumball? Turns out you can't."

Professor McGonagall removed her square glasses and rubbed the lines under her eyes, like it was hard work for her to sit on her cat-warmed tartan cushion, choose a detention slot in her calendar and get free labour for a few nights.

"You have too much energy, that's the problem," she said. "We'll need a few chaps to shovel all the snow this winter. A few sessions a day should exhaust you sufficiently. I shall inform the caretaker that you can start right away."

Not Mr. Filth!


	2. Chapter 2

MONDAY DECEMBER 2

Second day of shovelling and James was already knackered. Mr. Filth the creepy caretaker had him, Sirius and Peter shovel snow every fourth hour of their free time. Remus had been excused by McGonagall the first few days. Despite a speedy recovery he had just not gotten the sufficient rest required to cope with such heavy physical labour, what with him sticking gum in pinball machines instead of sleeping the first night after fullmoon night.

"Did you see that they've put up the Yule ball posters now?" said James while he caught a few minutes of rest. "This is the first time we're actually invited."

"Feels weird, doesn't it?" said Sirius. "Feels like the true magic of it, which is sneaking in through the ventilation grid, will be gone."

"They're strict this year. 'No date, no entrance.' But at least we're not restricted to the more 'mature' pool."

"Did you not like being restricted to the more 'mature' pool?"

James had more than that liked the game of Who Gets a Date First, even if that was a game he always lost. But this year they could choose whomever they pleased, which doubtlessly meant that Sirius was free to go with his horrible girlfriend Ebola Crool.

"I guess you will go with your horrible girlfriend Ebola Crool, then? She's so horrible."

Horrible, stupid, ugly. What did he see in her?

"Yup," Sirius replied, taking no offence because he cared so little about Ebola Crool. "You?"

"I don't know. Who is the most popular witch at Hogwarts?"

"I think it was some girl called Josie in the latest poll."

"The most popular witch in our year, then?"

"Kate Kay."

"The new girl? Some people just become immediately popular, don't they?"

"She's not new. She recieved a Fairy Make-Over for her birthday and her popularity sky rocketed after that. But this poll was nearly a month ago."

"There's an option. But I don't want to ask Kate Kay today only to find that she's dropped in the poll tomorrow."

"The only way you can be sure you get the most popular witch at Hogwarts is if you _create_ the most popular witch at Hogwarts."

He was right, James thought. That was something James just couldn't do. Nobody could _create_ the most popular witch at Hogwarts.

"That's it!" said Sirius, now very excited. "You should create the most popular witch at Hogwarts!"  
"Like some Frankenstein's Cheerleader? No way!"

"No! Through a My Fair Lady-Over!"

"What's a My Fair Lady-Over?"

"It combines the make-over with My Fair Lady! You know the movie, My Fair Lady?"

"I've heard of it."

"The make-over transforms a persons physical appearance, but the My Fair Lady also teaches them how to behave and act. The My Fair Lady-Over is your key to transforming any miserable pimple faced library hermit into the Most Popular Witch at Hogwarts in time for the ball!"

"Suddenly I can't name a single miserable pimple faced library hermit."

But he had seen them by accident.

"I'm sure you can name the least popular girl at Hogwarts," said Sirius.

"Oh, of course I can! That's easy! I have to say I'm intrigued by your idea. But turning Mona Weed into the Most Popular Witch at Hogwarts, and in time for the ball? It's going to be a challenge. But I do like challenges!"

"Sorry, who? Mona Weed?"

"She is the least popular witch I can think of."

"Mona Weed is not the least popular witch you can think of!"

"You don't know what I can think of! Who's the least popular witch at Hogwarts, then?"

Sirius laughed so hard the fag in his mouth fell down his throat and began to choke him. He gave himself the Heimlich manouver and it cannon-balled right into the back of Mr Filth's head. The chaps pretended to resume their shovelling immediately. James stabbed at a very stubborn chunk of snow and found a rock. Exciting day.

"It's Toady," Sirius said, still teary-eyed coughing from the incident.

"What of Toady?" James asked, having practically forgotten what they had been talking about.

"Toady is the least popular witch at Hogwarts."

"Is she?"

James considered it. There were really quite many unpopular witches to choose from. There could be multiple of unpopular witches he didn't even know of. This would be difficult to settle.

"I'm not sure I agree."

"You agree!"

Well blasted! Toady? Please no! Anybody but Toady!

"I don't want to go with Toady! Besides, I thought we said _least popular._ Not _most unpopular._ Hmmm?"

"The most unpopular would be the least popular! You just want to wuss out!"

"Wuss out? I never promised anything. I was merely entertaining idea until you mentioned _Toady!"_

"You just can't see the popular witch for all the Toady."

"I really can't!"

"The key word here is _My Fair Lady-Over!_ Just picture it! You and I will arrange this whole thing. Then we bet our money that Toady will be crowned Belle of the Ball. Do you know what's going to happen? Who else will bet on Toady, do you think?"

"No one will that would be insane!"

"And therefor, when she _is_ crowned Belle of the Ball...?"

They'd...be marginally richer than they already were.

They'd be marginally richer than they already were!  
He'd do it!


	3. Chapter 3

TUESDAY DECEMBER 3

Professor McGonagall had really hit the head on the nail. After three days of shovelling snow for an hour every three hours every afternoon Sirius was exhausted, his arms hurt and his cheeks felt frostbitten. He slept great, better than in a long time, and his concentration had improved. But as soon as school was over for the day he was already so tired he forgot to be mean to people and that was before he had done any shovelling. After PE he was too lethargic to race for a shower and dozed off in the changing room, waiting.

"I never realised I was so out of shape," he said when he had showered at last, gotten dressed and packed.

"Try this energy drink," said James. "It will give you energy, if you drink it."

"It's not some raw egg-yeast protein-whale bone powder mixture is it?"

"No it's just ox bile and some acid."

Acid! Wicked! Sirius finished all that was left of it.

Afterwards he felt somewhat more energised by the taste shock, although he wasn't bouncing off any walls.

"You did say acid?"

"Yeah, amino acids. Gotcha!"  
Mean.

"Shall we go and talk to Mr Saddist now?"

They caught Mr Saddist just outside the boy's changing room, closing the gym doors.

"Mr Saddist?" said James. "We told Professor McGonagall that we want to be bookmakers and she told us to ask you."

Mr Saddist simply bid them to come with him to his office in the Trophy Wing. Being just a mere PE teacher his "office" wasn't as spacious and lavishly furnished as, say, Professor McGonagall's. It was pretty much a cupboard with a desk.

"Here's a cash box," he said and slammed said cash box on his worn desk. "And here's the book where you can note everything."

The chaps thanked him and did not bother him further. They were very eager to start taking bets.

"Where are there lots of people at this hour?" Sirius asked as they walked down the Trophy Wing, back to the main building.

"The library," said James.

The library was always full at this time of day so that became their next destination. They had to avoid Mr Filth on the way.

In the library they asked everybody they passed to place their bets and got a few takers although most preferred to not make their mind up this early on. Those who'd sooner place their bets than do their homework placed cheap sums on either Josie Wonnacott or Kate Kay.

"Still, six people," said James, carrying the book while Sirius carried the cash box. "And already so even."

"There's Roy," said Sirius. "Hi Roy. I like your turban. Hi Phil."

"Hi," said Phil.

"I can see you're not method acting," said Roy. "Don't you take the panto seriously?"

Sirius did, but dressing up as the Widow Twankey in the halls violated the dress code. So did turbans if it wasn't for religious purposes.

"That's cultural appropriation, what you're doing," said Sirius, knowingly.

"No it's method acting do your research," said Roy.

"Place your bets here," said James. "The Belle of the Ball! Who's it going to be?"

"It's going to be Kate Kay, innit?" said Phil.

"Do you want to bet on it?"

"No."

"And you, Roy?" said Sirius. "Last year it was your sister Gwendolyn, wasn't it?"

"Yes it was," said Roy. "It could have been her again, had she not made that tramsphobic remark."

"What tramsphobic remark?"

"I don't even want to think about it. Oh god...What _is_ that _smell?"_

"Hello!" said Fletcher.

Roy and Phil disappeared faster than something fast.

"Are you taking bets for the Yule ball thing?" he asked.

"Are you wearing a top hat?" Sirius asked.

"I'd like to place a bet!"

"How much and on who?" James asked. "On Mac?"

"No!" said Fletcher, and then he whispered: "On Toddy!"

"Toady?" said Sirius. "What? Why? Why? What?"

"Yes!"

"Are you insane?" James asked. "Why would you want to do such a thing?"

"Let's just say I got a tip..."

A tip? From who? Who?

"But you don't have any money," said Sirius.

But he was wrong. Fletcher opened his robes. A large gold coin hanged around his neck.

Where did he even get it?

"We don't accept giant currency," said Sirius. "It has to be normal wizard currency only."

"Ok. I'll get back to you later, then."

"Do that."

Fletcher shuffled off and the remains of his odour diminished slowly. The chaps were in too much shock now to take any more bets.


	4. Chapter 4

DECEMBER 4 WEDNESDAY

In order to put his finger on just what he found so likable about Professor Olivier, James had to reminisce about his predecessors:

Professor Powers, the sex-crazed international time-travelling wizard-spy had ultimately been deemed as unqualified when it became apparent that all his exams demanded was a demonstration of the judo chop. And James still couldn't do the judo chop.

Professor Crowell, an all around jerk, had ultimately just applied for the job in order to look for a new pop sensation.

Now Professor Blumenthal had introduced something new and interesting: molecular magic.

Sadly that had been completely against the curriculum. Bye, bye, Blumenthal.

There was a fair chance Professor Olivier had the same future in store for him. For although he had an energy and childlike enthusiasm that was contagious, all he did was talk about turkeys.

He didn't stray off topic quite as badly as his predecessors, but he still put the major focus on turkeys.

And that was what made him so likable. His pure love for turkeys, so true it made James love turkeys more than he thought possible, and although it was a useless skill in a theatening situation, at least he felt that if he'd ever need to roast a turkey, he'd know how to do it.

"Today we're continuing with The Blaster, yeah?" said Professor Olivier and began to lightly oil a tin at his desk. "Put the turkey in..."

The Defense Against the Dark Arts classroom was more well provided than the kitchen. Olivier summomed a frozen turkey from a so called _freezer_ directly to the tin,

 _"_ If you don't have a _freezer_ , that's ok," said Olivier. "But they're great. They're like a fridge, except for _freezing_ things."

A fridge for freezing things? This sounded like pure science fiction, James thought.

"Now, here's an interesting bit of trivia," said Olivier as he let the turkey sit. "This turkey is about the size of a giant's gonad. Now, then. Assume position..."

The position Professor Olivier assumed was an upright standing one, legs apart and his back slightly arched back, with his arm streched out to the full and his wand perfectly aligned with it.

"Now, then. It's going to get really hot, yeah? 1,2,3. _Blastus!"_

His wand became a flamethrower for just a few seconds, generating so much heat and smoke it set off the fire alarm. James had to cover his ears, too, because the Blastus was louder than wind at 50 miles per hour.

When Professor Olivier was done, the turkey had a nice brown crust with a good shine

"Mmm, can you smell that?" he asked as he took several whiffs.

Sitting so far at the back all James could smell was soot. His throat itched. Several students coughed.

"Amazing, lovely. All under 15 minutes!"

He had one last, long blissful whiff before making the turkey disappear. Then he had a much briefer look at his notes just to remind himself what he was _supposed_ to be talking about.

"Oh, _giants!_ Right! Erm..Huge. Lots of varieties. Live in all sorts of places, yeah? Usually in the mountains. Not easy for a giant to find accomodation here. Some giants actually live in the sky, but you need beans to get there. Now, I have here some edamames, black eye's, borlottis, and what I want to do is make a salad with big flavours that will smack you in the face! Ok, so first we prep our pot, yeah?"

As usual he summoned the things he needed as he mentioned them.

"Fill it with water, just a splash, _aguamenti._ There's a version that can put out Black Fire but we won't go into that now. Add the beans, swoosh, and blast it to a boil!"

Blasting the pot for two seconds was all it took to bring it to a roaring boil. While waiting for the beans to cook Professor Olivier began to write down the recipe on the blackboard.

"Have you seen the posters now?" Sirius asked Remus.

"Yes," Remus replied, intensely focused on doodling in his notebook, intensely disinterested in talking to Sirius.

"No date no entrance," said Sirius.

No answer.

"Or are you too dangerous for dance shoes?"

"I have a date, ok, and it's Mona Weed."

"That was quick!" said James because most people did not have dates this early on.

"You asked Mona Weed?" Sirius asked.

"Not exactly," said Remus.

"Did somebody put a gun to your head and make you ask Mona Weed?"

"She asked me, ok? Do you have a problem with that?"

"Why are you so defensive? I'm sure lots of chaps are asked out. Why would you think it makes you any less of a man when I've never implied such a thing."

"Well I'm glad this talk is over."

"It's not over! Far from over!"

"It's over for me. Go meddle in somebody else's Yule Ball affairs."

Somebody else's? Just who else's Yule Ball affairs were half as interesting, James wondered and it went without saying that if he wondered something, Sirius wondered it, too.

Peter looked hopeful...

"That's quite good, such detail..," said James, taking a closer look at Remus's drawing of a beanstalk surrounded by curly little clouds.

"Really, 'though? Mona Weed?" said Sirius. "It's so predictable and conforming. Don't feel like you have to go with Mona Weed just because she's a little nuts."

"Don't feel like you have to go with Denebola Crool just because she's a little extremely superficial," said Remus.

"She's my girlfriend it's like the law."

"I got the offer. What else what I suppose to say that would get you off my back?"

"You could have told her you'd rather sit around and wait for a better offer because you're not man enough to take the initiative."

"You're not man enough to not be such a..."

Jerk? Twat? Prick? Knobhead? All good options.

"Nobody's asked me," said Peter, sad.

The silence that followed made James miss the fussing. Sirius continued painting his nails with McGonagall's white-out, Remus continued adding effects to his sketch but James had no such convenient mean of casually distracting himself so he would just have to pay attention to Olivier.

"Looks like I'm all out of turkeys," said Olivier. "I'm just going to pop out and ask the cook for some undercooked ones! Be right back!"

James began to copy down the recipe because who knew, maybe it would come on the exam.

"OH!" Peter sighed, so miserable.

"I'm sure somebody will ask you..," said Remus, cracking first.

"How do you know?" Peter asked.

"It's... mathematically possible."

"No it's not!" said James, for some reason.

It was all well to say comforting things but giving false hope, he was not a fan of that. That was just encouraging passivity.

"Are you saying it's mathematically impossible?" Remus asked.

Now he just made that sound preposterous, to be deliberately confusing.

"Maybe you're just mysterious enough to be an exception but as a rule chaps should not wait to be asked. That's what the ladies do, we can't all do it. Somebody must have flipped a coin at some point."

"But it happens and therefor it is not unheard of."

"Hey I know!" said Sirius. "We should create a Frankenstein's date out of snow!"

What a splendid idea!


	5. Chapter 5

DECEMBER 5 THURSDAY

It didn't snow anymore so the chaps needed not shovel quite so much. This gave James and Sirius some energy to go to the lake Thursday night to work on their Frankenstein's ball date.

In the dark Sirius couldn't tell where the snow dressed beach ended and the frozen lake began and in order to be able to sculpt he needed to hold his wand between his teeth.

He clearly had more artistic skill in his white-outed finger nail than James had in his entire body. Sculpting to him meant chiselling a body from a block of marble. But he didn't have marble so he set out o create one from snow.

James could not understand this process and so decided to just pack some lumps of snow together, call them feet and the continue building a body upwards like an amateur.

"I talked to the cheerleaders and they won't take her," said James. "Toady is too short, It needs to be uniform, dunnit?"

Having Toady be accepted by the cheerleaders was an essential step in having her rise in the popularity polls, even if they were Hufflepuff cheerleaders. Toady just had so many things going against her. Which was why that money was going to be theirs! Theirs and not _Fletcher's!_

"Cas joined us recently and she's quite short," said Sirius.

"Uniform beauty. A new hairdo won't be enough. If we're going to win this bet we'll need something powerful, a potion for example. But if beauty potions worked..."

Everybody would have pretty noses and flawless skin.

"An enchantment would be good," said Sirius. "But all the beauty enchantments I know of only work on royal babies."

"There's really one alternative for us that I can see," said James. "We must consult a Fairy Godmother!"

"A Fairy Godmother? Are you sure?"

"Why not?"

"Well they seem nice at first until you fail to pay them or something and then you wake up with the head of a gay horse in your bed."

"You haven't even seen the movie!"  
"I'm not talking about any movie!"  
"I'm sure the French Mafia has more class than that."

The French Mafia did like horses too much to cut their heads off. It looked like they would have to consult the French Mafia even if Sirius would rather consult the head of a gay horse.


	6. Chapter 6

DECEMBER 6 FRIDAY

James could see his and Sirius's Frankenstein's ball date melt away. Miss Morrow closed the curtains and told him to stop playing with his snowglobe.

"Today we're looking into snowglobe reading," she said, loudly over exotic sitar music, and looked into her own snowglobe intently.

He breathing became heavy. Her face became distorted and her voice changed.

" _So, so cold! The Earth is going to turn! The sun will set, then rise, then set again! Then rise again! It will rise and set many, many times! Only he has warm feet that wears multiple layers of socks for one does not catch pneumonia without staying out in the cold for too long! The weekend will be mild with partial cloudiness and some rain in the Midlands!"_

Miss Morrow woke up from her trance, uttering a trembling gasp. She sank into a maroon velvet buttonback armchair, exhausted from the shock. Rora brought her her chalice of chai tea and a packet of fags.

"That was amazing, Miss Morrow."

Miss Morrow emptied the packet in her lap with shaking hands and dipped a fag in the nearest scented candle.

"You all have your snowglobes," she said after one deep inhalation. "Just shake your snowglobes and watch the snow settle."

James took his snowglobe, in which a tiny little gnome was decorating a tree, and gave it a good shake. After that he watched the snow settle, like Miss Morrow has said, but he found it hard to concentrate when the gome was throwing up.

"I'm not getting anything. Do you?"

"No," Sirius replied, putting down his snowglobe in which two gingerbreadmen war lifting their injured friend onto a stretcher. "Why did we elect this again?"

"We didn't elect to be here. This class is compulsory."

"Oh, right. I just keep thinking we chose this because it shouldn't be compulsory."

Remus was trying a little harder to read his snowglobe, or rather, snowcube.

"Nobody has ever predicted anything looking in a cube. You know that, right?"

"What does it matter what shape it is?" said Remus.

"I don''t know. Why does it matter what shape it is?"

A whiff of Christmas pudding spices revealed that Miss Morrow was now right beside them. She was not too pleased seeing the snowcube.

"What's this?" she asked, wringing it from his grip. "No, no, no! This won't do at all! It has to be a globe! Have I not been perfectly clear about that?"

She summoned a spare snowglobe from a cabinet.

"Take this and shake it!"

Despite the bright crystal globe with the whirling snow being a beautiful and almost luminous thing to behold by most people's standards, Remus looked thoroughly repulsed. He would not look straight at it. His hand trembled as he made himself reach for it. So close. His fingertips was just touching it and then...

Wet shards on the floor, in a puddle of water mixed with something that resembled shredded coconut.

Remus put on his most innocent.

"Woopsie."

Miss Morrow was very much pleased, nor was she entirely convinced of his innocence.

"That is the third snowglove this semester!" she rebuked while cleaning up. "A few more and I'd think you were doing it on purpose!Just read some tarot cards instead if you're going to behave wilfully!"

She took a whiff of the air, complained about not getting jasmine and needed to immediately replace an incense stick in the window.

Remus took a deck of tarot cards from the center of the table, shuffled and layed them in the Celtic Cross. He turned the first card, the card that represented the present.

It was the moon card.

He gathered the cards, shuffled again and layed out the Celtic Cross a second time. Instead of turning the first card, he skipped to the second one, representing Immediate Challenge.

It was the moon card.

He tore the moon card in half, threw it away, shuffled, Celtic Cross and turned the tenth and final card, the card representing Final Outcome.

It was the moon card.

Sirius had a go at the card furthest to the left, number six, representing Immediate Future.

"Fortune!"

"Let me see," said James, looking closer. "Yup, just as I thought. It's upside down."

So Sirius ripped the stupid card half.

Tacky loud jewelry and a distinct undertone of jasmine in the otherwise smoky room revealed that Miss Morrow was out of incense sticks to replace.

"What's this?" she said, holding in her hands the torn cards. "These cards are school property!"

"They can be repaired can't they?" said Sirius.

"That's no excuse to break things! Some day you will break something and you won't be able to repair it!"

A strange voice like that of a demonic choir spoke. But there was no demonic choir in the room; it was just Rora, her eyes so wide they looked ready to pop out of their sockets.

" _She is coming! She who is like a thousand men! On a dark night she who is like that of a being, shall arrive and bring justice which nobody may escape for only he gets away who is very poorly guarded!"_

Whatever had possessed Rora left her body, leaving her sweaty and confused.

"What did you say about speaking without permission?" said Miss Morrow. "It's like nobody takes this class seriously. I'll let you off the hook this time, Miss Sinistra, but do raise your hand in the future."

"What does it mean?" asked Scheherazade O'Deary.

"Most likely nothing important," Miss Morrow replied. "A prophecy that vague could mean anything. Most likely it just mean that Professor McGonagall is going to give somebody detention."

"Professor McGonagall is 'like a thousand men'?"

"It's symbolic. Listen to me. There's nothing to be afraid of. Go back to reading your snowglobes."

James hadn't realised there was anything to be afraid of. But there were those who stared vacantly at their snowglobes as if they really were afraid after Rora's little performance, as if they really believed some terrible creature was coming to punish them for over-pruning their bonzai Jinmenjus.

But they were all Hufflepuffs.

And Peter.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

That evening wasn't a terribly exciting one. The snow had as good as melted away and the Chamber of Fun was now a forbidden area for James, and would be so for an unspecified time.

So what was he to do if not sniff brush ointment?

He unscrewed the lid of a round jar, scraped some paste with a consistensy very much like lip-balm with his finger and smeared it under his nose.

Tar, wood varnish, oil, some other hard-to-define smells. A slight burning sensation in the nostrils, a feeling of warmth radiating through his entire body.

His throat itched, but that was because Sirius was chain-fuming up the dorm from his bed.

James happened to be bored tonight and Sirius was of course always bored. But somehow boredom never seemed to afflict Remus. He was always doing something. Tonight he was making amultes by copying an image from a grimoire onto bits of fabric using needle and a thread so hot he had to wear garden gloves.

"You just know how to keep busy," Sirius sighed.

"Just thought I'd make you some amulets," said Remus.

"How very thoughtful of you."

"It's nothing."

"Not that we need amulets because amulets are for wusses, but still. It's nice of you to care."

"Don't you think you'll be needing an amulet to protect you when _'she who is like a thousand men'_ comes?"

The ointment-induced haze cleared up mid-inhalation for James.

"Amulets warding off Professor McGonagall? Wicked!"

"What we never knew we've always needed!" said Sirius.

"No, not Professor McGonagall," said Remus, thereby mercilessly popping that bubble.

"Then we must make those amulets ourselves!" Sirius decided.

"But we can't sew," James pointed out.

Surely embroidering amulets wasn't the standard way of making them, he thought.

"It's Hagrid's mum you must watch out for, not Professor McGonagall," said Remus.

"Hagrid's mum? Why?"

"I happen to know she is visiting him on a Midwinter night. A giantess coming here on a Midwinter night can only mean one thing. She is going to eat you both. If you knew giant science you'd know this."

"Hagrid's mum is coming to eat us? You can't be serious. Hagrid's mum can't be so bad or he wouldn't let her visit."

"I hope you're right."

When Remus was finished embroidering he took the amulets to read charms over them in the Chamber of Chaos.

"Sometimes he can be surprisingly beastist," said Sirius. "And amulets is just giving in to the opression."

"Maybe," said James. "But suppose Hagrid's mum is coming to town, and she has an appetite for boys and girls with some minor character flaws, it's fight Hagrid's mum or keep an amulet. Normally I'd love to fight but people can be so touchy about their mums."

"You are so right and that's why we, too, have to make a bunch of amulets."

And then sell them.


	7. Chapter 7

DECEMBER 7 SATURDAY

The snowfall returned for the weekend. James and Sirius set to build a snowman a second time.

It struck James, as he sat on his knees shaping a leg, that pretty much everybody had a date by now. And here he was stuck waiting for _Toady_ to hopefully blossom into a were-swan.

Even Fletcher had a date. _Fletcher!_ Apparently he had found Phil's sister Xylophonica in the kitchen pantry, just by the raisins.

"I don't want to do this My Fair Lady-Over," said James. "Rora asked me if I was free, so I asked her what's in my horoscope..."

"But you have to go with Toady!" said Sirius. "We're doing this together but you must take her!"

"Why?"

"Why? We're making her the most popular witch at Hogwarts, yes? That was what you wanted. She can't be the most popular witch at Hogwarts if she doesn't have a date. And it's got to be somebody of high social status dunnit!"

"But I'm not so sure it's possible to win this bet. And I especially don't want to be stuck with _Toady_ while everybody around me gets such top-notch dates! Everybody keeps asking if I have a date yet, it's so humiliating, having to tell them it's a surprise."

"Look, I understand completely. You don't want to look like a fool. No one's said you can't have a spare. Don't quit on me. Just ask her who she likes and promise her that person. Chances are you're not her type after all. These are feminist times so we should probably ask for her opinion. And let her know what we're doing...And if it's ok if we do it..."

James felt better now. Of course it wasn't unlikely that Toady desired somebody else. He really hoped that would be the case.

When the snowman was finished the chaps were very pleased, but there was just one problem.

"Hey, didn't Miss Morrow say mild weekend?" Sirius asked.

"I can't remember what she said but it does feel mild," James replied.

Because temperature could be mild and snowy at the same time. So what could they do to keep the weather from destroying their perfect work a second time?

"Now there's a stone I'd like to throw on somebody who deserves it sometime," said Sirius.

The stone he referred to looked like a plain stone, half covered in snow. But when he touched it he winced. He removed his unicorn-skin gloves and found that his hands had turned blue. James however did no shop at pricy foofoo shops like Chenille's so he was convinced his plain gloves could handle a cold stone.

He was wrong. It felt so brutally cold he hurled it right into the snowman's chest, where it stuck.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

After treating his hands at the Hospital Wing James set off to look for Toady. He found her in the library , quizzing herself on the rule book. James sure hoped she'd never be made prefect, no matter how much she wanted it.

"Hello," he said.

"Good day," Toady replied.

Just the way she spoke was grating. She was clearly trying to imitate Professor McGonagall, but Professor McGonagall didn't fake authority. She actually had it.

"Hey listen, I'm just going to say it straight," said James. "I have decided to make you the most popular witch at Hogwarts in time for the ball! You're dream is coming true at last!"

Toady was absolutely completely silenced. Yes, to have her dream come true had to be a lot to take in.

"I promise you that the most popular witch at Hogwarts can have any chap she desires! So... who is he? I'm asking, so I can tell him to cancel his plans!"

Or s _he,_ eye-roll.

Somehow a dagger had appeared in Toady's hand. She made a cut in her left pinkie.

Bloody hell most people just pinched themselves!

"Now you," she then said, trying to give James the dagger.

"Sorry?"

"We have to do the Unbreakable Pinkie Swear, so I know this won't end in humiliation for me."

Was she crazy?

"You are so paranoid! I will not do the Unbreakable Pinkie Swear! You can catch infections that way!"

"What are you a baby?"

Now she flapped her arms and clucked like a chicken. She had some nerve!

Now James had no choice but to take the dagger and make the cut. He and Toady hooked their bleeding pinkies (there was a band name). Never before had James felt so violated.

"I swear by this my pinkie," said Toady. "that if I do something naughty, there will be a karmic retribution."

Then James had to repeat the Unbreakable Pinkie Swear.

"I swear by this my pinkie that if I do something naughty, there will be a karmic retribution."

Then they had to whip out their wands and say: Osay I Owvay Ybay Ymay Inkiepay Ingerfay.

Then the swear was officialy unbreakable and they could stop hooking pinkies. (Another good band name.)  
"Who do you fancy then?" James asked as he gauze-bound his pinkie.

Toady's expression took a turn for the bashful.

"Sirius Black."

Why had James expected anything else? Had he expected anything else? He'd have to be a proper moron to expect anything else for there was no universe in existense where anybody could have said anything else.

An unexpected reply would have been fun, for once.

But hey, James couldn't say he was jealous.


	8. Chapter 8

DECEMBER 8 SUNDAY

Sirius quite enjoyed selling crap amulets. They weren't much to look at, but what did he care.

"Get your amulet, only 2,99. Handmade by my blind grandmother, who has no fingers."

That was of course a lie. Sirius's nan hadn't made a thing herself all her life.

But his jear terking tale of the hardships his poor, gypsy nan had faced had sold ten amulets already. And now it looked like Moira Maple and Caliban Clover wanted to hear more.

"Does you nan really have ten mouths to feed?" Moira Maple asked.

"She sure does," said Sirius, and demonstrated on his body. "Here, here, here. And here. And here. Uhm, and here..."

Giving his nan a sponge bath was a special kind of horrible.

"How come she is blind and has no fingers?" asked Caliban Clover, like he was quizzing him and looking for contradictions.

"The French-Romanians have always been terribly oppressed."

Particularly by his nan. She had oppressed them pretty badly, She had got what she deserved. Clover was still skeptical.

"Forgive me if I don't believe that any nan of yours would be living in poverty."

"That is so ignorant. She recently lost everything she had to a gambling problem. Nobody's offered her anything in ways of support. Poor nan has nothing now. It can happen to anybody."

"Wow. I'm sorry, I had no idea."

"You sure didn't!"

"So your nan really has nothing?"

"She literally has nothing. Just two castles and a bunch of banks."

"I knew you were lying!"

"So what? Do you want to protect yourselves from the Yule Giantess?"

The word of the Yule Giantess and the severity of her coming was already going around so Sirius needed not explain all that to these tossers.

"I'd like to buy an amulet," said Moira Maple.

Sirius took her gold coin and gave her an amulet.

"How do we know they work?" she asked, _after_ the transaction.

(Hufflepuffs.)

"Are you accusing me of scamming?" Sirius asked back.

"No."

"No giant is going to eat you now, that's all you need to know."

"Ok, good. Thank you."

It looked like they were leaving. Caliban Clover wanted to leave anyway, that was obvious. Moira Maple, however, wanted to hang around some more. After such hard work Sirius thought he deserved a smoking break.

"So I guess you have a date for the ball, then?" she said.

"Come on, Moira," said Clover. "Everybody knows he does and who it is!"

"I know, but people change their minds all the time. Or come to their senses..."

Another jab at Debbie Crool, how original. Sirius couldn't care less what people thought of her late night bunny boiling activities. But it did concern him that dorks like these didn't seem all that afraid to talk to him lately. Was he being too nice? Did he need to boil more bunnies?

"I have to ask," said Maple, refusing to leave despite Clover begging her to. "Is it true?"

"Is what true?"

"What some's been saying. Are you really...Are you really..."

Maple broke into fits of laughter she could not suspend no matter how hard she tried. Just what was so funny?

"Are you really going with Toady?" Clover asked for her.

Sirius could of course guess it all. James had fed Toady some lie and now this lie was going around because of it. He'd probably call it Sirius's idea, too. But the only place he'd ever take Toady was a honeycomb.

"Yes," he replied.

He was bored but he also had a bet to win. Maple laughed some more, uncertain. She dried the tears from her eyes.

"It's a joke, isn't it?"

"You're roots are a joke."

That wiped the smile from her face.

"Toady is way cool, don't you know?" Sirius said.

"Is she?" Clover asked.

"You guys...You dont' even know, you're so behind! Toady is right about you..."

"Right about what? What's she been saying?"

"That's between me and Toady, alright? Excuse me."

Seeing McGonagall approaching, Sirius decided to head in an entirely opposite direction from the first intended. That's how he came to run into James and his notebook.

"Keeping a checklist has really helped!" he said. "I've given Toady some tips on how to make friends. That will put all of my unused anecdotes to good use."

"You're welcome"

"You mean you'll do it?"

"Pretend that Toady is my date for the ball? Sure, no problem."

"But it's you she wants! Nobody could have seen that coming!"

"Nobody _wants_ to see _that_ coming! Oh yes I said it!"

"I thought we were doing this together. But I suppose you're only in as long as you don't have to see it coming!"

"I told you. I have a girlfriend."

"I'm in the mood of getting a girlfriend right now!"

He looked around, for a suitable candidate. And look, there was Rora now, carefully watching every third step she took. She was not free but people did sometimes change their minds, especially if it was in their horoscope.

"Hey! Rora!"

"But she's not the most popular witch at Hogwarts," said Sirius. "That was what you wanted! Remember? Why do I have to keep reminding you of this?"

"I did want that. But it seems to me that any girlfriend of mine would earn a reasonable degree of popularity from that alone so I might as well make it somebody I like."

"Yes, of course. But all this secret-keeping, it makes people expect somebody outrageously beautiful, somebody two-three years your senior like Gwendolyn Lockhart or Josie Wonnacott. So when you arrive with Rora, who's apparently bonkers, they will just kind of go... 'eh?' That's how they will go. Can you picture them going 'eh?'?"

James was picturing it, Sirius could tell. He wasn't so confident now.

"'Eh?'"

"The only thing nobody expects is an outrageously beautiful Toady. You get the admiration, we get the money. What's the problem?"

"The main problem is that Toady wants you, not me."  
That was a problem.

"Tell her you really fancy her. Then she'll pity you enough."

"You always know how to talk me into things, Padfoot."

"If the Yule Ball was tonight we'd go to bed 200 wizard-pounds richer. This is a scam, after all."

"That's like... a lot of brush ointment. I guess we better find ourselves a Fairy Godmother, then!"

Blasted, Sirius thought.

"But think of the gay horses!"  
But James refused to think of the gay horses.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Little Paris, Hogsmead, smelled so _nice._ Boulangiers pushed carts of bread everywhere, locals woke up to say bonjour, bonjour, bonjour, bonjour, bonjour although the sun was already setting.

How could an evil mafia exist side by side with fresh croissants? That was just one of the mysteries of the world. James would solve it some other time.

"Remember our halloween adventure?" he asked. "We were superheroes for a bit and our adversaries were in the French Mafia and all that?"

"None of that rings any bell," Sirius replied, his attention on a book shop with a very special offer: Read it twice? It's yours!

"You know the French Mafia!" said James.

"Do you think that just because I know some people in the French Mafia I can just turn up and ask for some fairy dust without waking up to find a horsemeat eclair in my bed?"

"Yes!"

"For you I'll try."

James was glad, for he was very keen to find out what had become of those bakers since the night of their splitting.

The Tojours Fromage turned out to be fairly easy to find, or perhaps it just seemed that way becasue Sirius knew where it was: below a travel agency.

They came to a spacious underground chamber. A river of thick, white mass ran by and through a tunnel.

"Is this a river of cheese?" James asked.

"That's racist," said Sirius.

"But isn't it a fondue river?"

"Can't you tell the difference between nougat and cheese? Pff, fondue. This isn't the Swiss Mafia, Tojours Muesli."

"So this is also a nougat factory?"

"Hm, inofficially maybe. Nougat conducts heat very well."

Somebody screamed somewhere inside the tunnel.

"You know what else conducts heat very well? Melted iron." said James.

There were som stacks of nougat bars on shelves and they looked soooo good, though.

A witch with a powdered wig and an equally powdered face swayed her cage crinoline their way and showed them to a lavender sofa with gold lion's feet, where she told them to wait.

James helped himself to a piece of nougat packed with pistachios from a plate.

It was _soooo_ good.

Good thing he had his cortison potion with him.

When Sirius stopped looking horrified James knew he was no longer disfigured from swelling.

"Do you know who the Fairy Godmother is?" he asked, and had another bit of nougat.

"I have a hunchback..."

The witch in the hip cage returned to show the chaps to a bright room with mint walls and a marble floor.

James didn't know windows but he thought he knew French windows when he saw them. They let in cascades of light but they were of course fake. They were below a Travel Agency in rainy Hogsmead, there was no way they could outlook the French riviera from here.

"Mr. Black," said the secretary. "Here are the boys that just wandered in here just now."

A wizard dressed like a classical composer turned towards her.

"Givmelix, darling! Mr Black is my _father!_ I've told you to call me Juice!"

"Your unscheduled victims, Juice."

"Thank you, Lixy! Mwa, mwa! Does this make-up make me look fat?"

"No, Juice."

Givmelix conjured a baguette from her cleavage and made herself disappear. Juice began to take some glasses from a vitrine cabinet.

"Booooys," he said, holding that note for a while. "Ok, who wants absinthe?"

He was just amidst selecting strange spoons from a wooden box when he actually noticed Sirius.

"But it's Sirius!" he exclaimed, hurried towards him to squeeze Sirius's cheeks together and force some continental cheek kisses on them. "Look who decided to surprise me!"

"How you been?" Sirius asked.

"To think I almost served you absinthe! But I can't serve you absinthe! What kind of role model would I be if I served you absinthe? Hm, whatelse do I have? Some Ciroc? St Remy? Grand Marnier? Anything but that _Swiss poison!"_

He broke a bottle of absinthe very demonstratively. It seemed like such waste, no matter how he felt about the Swiss.

"No thanks I don't drink and walk," said Sirius. "In these shoes."

"That's wise. One shouldn't drink and walk. In those shoes. _Mise en place."_

All the absinthe crockery on his desk returned to their rightful places and a hermine rug straightened itself out.

"Well, to answer your question, I recently returned from Boston. But enough about me! I want to know all about you! For example: how old are you now?"

"14."

"I thought so. Are you doing well in school and all that?"

"Sure."

"Giving those mudbloods a hell of a time?"

"I'm sure it's happened. I usually don't bother asking."

Juice seemed pleased, because he nodded, pleased. James decided to interrupt.

"Sorry to interrupt," he said.

"No go ahead, said Juice.

"Are you the Fairy Godmother?"

"That's what I call me! People come to me for magical services their common Hogwarts magic can't pull of, so to speak"

"What sort of magic do you use, then?"

First he hesitated. He looked to Sirius, who shook his head discretely. James felt like an idiot.

"Why, only the WHITEST magic you can think of, of COURSE!" Side-wink.

"I want to know what sort of wishes you grant," said Sirius.

"Death wishes, mostly. 'Dear Juice, will you kill my gran so I can have her pearls', that sort of thing. This is the Tojours Fromage, not the Red Cross. You know that, right?"

"So you do Dark Arts, then?" James asked.

"Weeeell, depends on who you ask. If you mean in my spare time then yes. You might think my wish magic sounds like Dark Arts, but it is technically not the case since they changed the definition."

"How so?"

"I like to compare it to turning a switch on and off. If you ask me to kill you're gran I will say to you: Yes, Mr Minister of Magic Sir, I will kill your gran, if you create a law that will have squibs be defined as Beasts so my allies can build their institutes where they can legally test their dark arts on these sub-wizard creatures. If we have a deal I turn gran's life-switch off. If the Minister doesn't hold his end of the deal I switch it back on. And put the head of a gay horse in his eclair."

"And the gran is alive for real?"

"Completely. No funny business. If the Minister doesn't hold his end of the deal, why should I hold mine?"

James couldn't say he liked this man. He was clearly evil. And evil people were as a rule liars that couldn't be trusted. And yet, somehow he seemed comparatively human. Maybe it was his hair playing tricks on James's mind.

"I feel like I said something wrong," said Juice. "You progressive kids aren't fan of squibs, are you?"

"Oh no God no!" Sirius assured him. "Hey, we actually came to ask for a favour."

"Anything!"  
"We need to transform a very ugly witch into a beautiful witch in time for the Yule Ball."

"Her wit and charm must be out of this world for you chaps to do this wonderful thing for the poor girl!"

"No we're doing it for money."

"Oh thank God. Well I'm sure I can fit something in..."

James had never heard of white bats until one such bat brought Juice his calendar.

"When is it? Shall I make it last minute for a surprise effect?"

"Yes. The 14th."

"Seven good? Good."

He shut his calendar and there was the appointment settled. James was a little worried because he hadn't mentioned any deal.

"Is that it?" he asked.

"You tell me. Is there more?"

"You won't put a gay eclair in my horse now?"

"You came for a favour, love, so it's a favour I'm doing you. I'll be there with my fairy wand, badabing badaboom, no charge!"

"Wow thanks!"

"Not at all!"

Juice followed them to the door.

"Really appreciate this, Juice," said Sirius. "And I feel bad for being put off by your campness before."

"Darling if you hadn't been put off by my campness I would have failed!"

Although hesitant at first James was now glad they had come here to make this appointment. The make-over was happening now. The My Fair Lady-Over was happening now. Now he believed that Toady, once beautiful, would have the same potential at becoming really popular as anybody.


	9. Chapter 9

DECEMBER 9 MONDAY

As the Yule Ball drew ever nearer and everybody and their toads talked of nothing except what to wear, Remus made a very important realisation:

He didn't have anything nice to wear.

Why would he have nice clothes? It's not like he never needed them.

And he certainly hadn't planned on going to any ball.

Somehow he felt as if he had a desperate need for nice clothes.

Perhaps it was because Sirius would whisper in his ears at night: You have a desperate need for nice clothes.

And so he left to count the money in his jar as soon as school was over.

Doing other people's homework could get him by, in the sense that he could get by on bubblegum (which he could), if he did a lot of it. Could it get him nice clothes? He counted the gold. It did look like it, if just barely. He sent a special thanks to all the delusional quidditch jocks hoping for a scholarship. They couldn't budget if their lives depended on it.

He got dressed for the cold and took the commonroom fire to Hoity Street, the jar of gold under his arm.

As soon as he stepped into Hoity Street he felt immediately out of place. He frequented posh areas so rarely he had forgotten how uncomfortable they made him. But here he was now so it was best to go inside the first shop he saw, which happened to be Chenille's.

A bell rang. A shop keeper came towards him without even looking at him.

"Can I help you?" he asked, oozing superiority.

"I'm just looking for, like, a blazer or something?"

"There's a Red Cross on Bum Street. We don't allow pockets in here."

"I could be a disguised prince for all you know!"

"I can see that you brought some gold. We only take silver."

"Why?"

"It's to keep unwanted quasi-wizards out."

Well, wasn't that a shame.

"I suppose this gold is useless, then," said Remus and broke the window with the jar.

The jar shattered when it hit the street outside with the window shards and all the gold rolled down the cobblestones, some down the drain.

The shopkeeper was already summoning aurors. Remus found the globe with Shishi inside in his pocket and released him. The shopkeeper had not finished the emergency call when a cloud of sulphuric breath knocked him right out along with a few other emerging shopkeepers.

The sirens were already loud and clear. Remus collected Shishi, fled Chenille's and hopped inside the fire. He probably stood there in the flames for close to a minute, just shocked from everything, until it spat him out at the end station, which incindetally happened to be an empty street in Bum Alley. He zipped his coat all the way to the chin and released Shishi again, for the company but also ethical beast-keeping. He knew aurors never came to Bum Street because somehow they were always understaffed and buried in paperwork everytime some terrorist attacked Bum Street.

"Well, Shishi," he said, shuddering. "I guess we're officially terrorists now."  
He actually felt pleased in a rebellious sort of way, at least until Dumbledore popped up in his mind.

Would he be quizzed by aurors now and learn of everything? Was he going to be disappointed to hear that Remus had thrown his entire life away over a snide remark? His heart sank.

Then he heard a crack. A cloud of smoke hung in the air right in front of him, out of which a hideous crone with a warty nose emerged.

"Boy," she said with that old-witch voice. "Did you really just say... you're prepared to sell that kappa?"

"No. You must have heard wrong."

"Not even for _five magic flavour beans?"_

The colourful beans sparkled like jewels in her bony hand. Remus had never seen magic flavour beans before!

"One bean is enough to take you to the Giant's castle! He has geese that lay golden eggs and lots of treasure!"

Lots of treasure had he? Perhaps if Remus just borrowed some he could get some nice clothes and then Shishi back!

"Can I buy Shishi back later?" he asked.

"Oh, sure! Just call on Mathilda!"

It was a deal!


	10. Chapter 10

DECEMBER 10 TUESDAY

The only reason Remus had a clue of what went on in the country was because James subscribed to a very large and corrupt news paper. As part of keeping up with current events he liked to read articles or bits of them out loud every morning, especially articles he could criticise for their inaccuracy, so he could feel smart about having enough insight to know the news paper he subscribed to was full of crap.

This morning it was the following article that just had to capture his interest:

 _Terrorist attacked Chenille's on Hoity Street Monday afternoon. According to the shop keeper it was a boy of Hogwarts age who completely unprovoked broke a window by throwing a jar of gold at it. He escaped by unleashing a kappa before the aurors arrived. Chenille's is now closed due to high toxicity and the staff is very worried._

 _"We're all terrified," says Madame Papillon, who saw it happen. "The gold has now attracted beggars and they're bound to have fleas. The Pest Service needed to release Hell Hounds to get rid of them and I'm very allergic."_

 _The Daily Prophet has tried to contact the Headmaster of Hogwarts for a comment._

James put down the news paper.

"'Terrorist attacked'... I've seen worse terrorist attacks on my bonsai Jinmenju!"

"They need pruning or the heads will grow mold," said Remus.

"I only agreed to a little off the top."

Sirius, however, would not simply ignore the elephant in the room.

"You actually terrorised a shop on Hoity Street?"

Weeeeell...

"Without a mask!"

"I thought masks were for wusses," said Remus.

"If I'm such a role model to you, how come you won't cross a cemetery without a helmet?"

"It's not like I planned it."

"You didn't plan it? That's like the first rule of terrorism: plan it."

"I'm not a terrorist."

"I'll say! Still, you're the one who gets called to the Headmaster's office. I've never been called to the Headmaster's office. What will I have to terrorise to be called to the Headmaster's office?"

Sirius took a gold star from a card of stickers and put it on Remus's robes.

"Perhaps the Court of Diagon Alley..."

"That's flattering that I have inspired you."

"Oh yeah, you're pruning has really inspired me."

Remus remembered he actually had those magic jelly beans in his pocket. He decided to uncork the jar in which they were kept and spill them in his hand.

"Look what this mysterious old witch traded Shishi for," he said.

"Wow!" said Peter.

"You really traded Shishi for some beans?" James asked.

"Just temporarily," said Remus. "They're magic beans, how could I say no?"

"McGonagall's coming this way," said Sirius. "Do you have your lenses?"

Remus did, and he put them in.

"Maybe he can borrow your reading glasses or something?" Sirius asked James.

"My reading glasses? I need those. But I'm sure I have some other pair..."

James moved his toast plate aside and put his entire collection of glasses on his table.

"My flying glasses, walking glasses, egg-painting glasses...Oh, I never use these!"

"What are they?"

"They're my rose-tinted glasses. I really don't know what I was thinking when I got them."

He let Remus have them, and he tried them on. He had very good eyes but never had he seen things so clearly, or so many rainbows. These would disguise him perfectly, and they surely went really well with the turban Sirius put on his head. Turbans, what a great hat!

When McGonagall came over she was clearly too impressed to comment and simply asked him to come with her, which Remus was more than happy to do because she was so knowledgable and pleasant to be around. When it turned out she was leading him to the Headmaster's office he was so excited he could explode.

Dumbledore wasn't alone in his office. Two aurors were visiting him at this hour, too! How fun, the more the merrier!

"Who's this?" asked one of them, interested.

"Well, you asked us if we knew anybody who looked like that drawing," replied McGonagall. "And I thought he fit the description the most."

The aurors looked between the drawing and Remus.

"This isn't right at all. He didn't wear a turban or glasses," said one of the aurors.

"I know. And his eyes were orange, not blue."

"Was this really the best you could do, Professor McGonagall?"

"I just can't think of anybody who currently has orange eyes," McGonagall replied.

"Well, I suppose it is possible the shop keeper was mistaken," said one auror. "People don't always look their age."

"Thanks for the coffee. So sorry to bother you," said the other and put down his cup.

McGonagall followed them out of the office.

"Do take all that off," she said when she returned.

So Remus removed the turban and the rose tinted glasses.

Never had the world seemed so... _dark._

McGonagall came around the desk to give Remus a smack upside the head.

"You're an idiot! That's weekly counseling for you!"

"Counseling what no!"

"Counseling what yes!"

Well blasted.


	11. Chapter 11

DECEMBER 11 WEDNESDAY

Just what was a good location for growing a magic jelly bean stalk? That was the question the tediousness of putting red hats on carol singing bonsai jinmenju heads allowed Remus to ponder. Growing a giant jelly bean stalk in secrecy? I just couldn't be done.

And speaking of giant jelly bean stalks: where did Fletcher get all his gold coins? Were magic jelly beans somehow easy to get hold of?

Remus decided to go and ask him and he brought his bonsai jinmenju with him.

"Hello," he said, and put down his little tree.

"Keep away from my bonsai jinmenju, _I'm_ doing the pruning!" Fletcher snapped.

"I just want to ask you about your gold coin."

"Oh, this one?"

Fletcher flashed the coin around his neck for a second. Then he closed his robes again.

"Who wants to know?!"

"I do."

"How do I know you're not a poly-person? Everyone's an impersonator these days, can't trust anybody!"

"Impostor, I think you mean."

"That's just the sort of thing an impostor would say," said Fletcher, suspicious.

"Well then," said Remus. "If I was an impostor, would I say this? LOOBILOOBILOOBILOOBILOOB!"

Sprout put her curly grey head between theirs.

" _Quiet!"_

The chaps dressed their jinmenjus for two minutes, until Sprout no longer looked their way.

"No," Fletcher replied. "An impostor would say: Ask me something only I would know. So I guess you're not an impostor, then, since nobody has ever said that before in an effort to convince me they're not an impostor."

No longer suspicious, a beam of childish delight broke through Fletcher's round face.

"I get my gold coins from the Giant Treasure Chest in the sky! You know, where there are giants!"

He turned pale, shivered at the thought of giants.

"Thankfully I've never seen any giant myself up there, but it's what they say."

"How do you get up there?" Remus asked, so casually.

"By climbing my giant jelly bean stalk!"

"I thought magic jelly beans were rare. Where did you get one?"

"We got them from mum, me, Trink and Fil. She in turn got got them way back when she was homeless. It started when she was kicked out of the soup kitchen one day. She was out of cash and desperate for fags, so desperate she was prepared to trade our cat Ritz for a packet. And would you believe it this mysterious crone appeared and traded the cat for one magic jelly bean!

So after that she began to collect stray cats to trade for beans, but eventually the mysterious crone saw through that and stopped trading with her. Anyway, she had so many beans by then she traded all except three for Ritz. She gave them to us last Yule."

"And you waited until now to plant it?"

"I only just thought of where to plant it without it being found!"

"And where is that?"

Fletcher looked smug.

"Are you sure you don't want to have a go at it first?" he asked.

"What did you use? Invisibility runes?"

"Runes? That wouldn't give anyone a fighting chance!"

"You've made it invisible somehow..."

Now he laughed so hard he had to bend over.

"It's like you don't know me at all!" he said with tears in his eyes. "Invisible!"

It was just a bit degrading, this. No, Remus did not want to 'have a go at it first'. He wanted Fletcher to just show him, and he agreed to do it.


	12. Chapter 12

DECEMBER 12 THURSDAY

It was just after midnight when Remus waited for Fletcher by the lake, next to the snow witch and curious about the dark stone in her chest. Had that been put there on purpose? They had mentioned thinking of a way to keep her from melting. Was the stone that very way?

The ground was wet and muddy, the lake sparkled and foamed but the snow witch remained a solid piece of ice.

So it wasn't below zero degrees centigrades but it was still cold. At last Fletcher came, still in that top hat.

"Morning," he said. "How's Bluebell?"

"I don't know, I haven't seen him anywhere lately."

"I thought as much."

Fletcher's posture was usually slouched but whenever he wore the top hat it was perfectly straight, so straight it was like he was balancing the hat rather than wearing it.

He removed it and placed it on the ground.

"You might want to hold on to me now," he said, both his hands on the hat.

Remus put his arm under Fletcher's, and Fletcher lifted the hat. Next they were ascending with the hat at a speed so rapid it felt like being hoovered in the stomach, while the jelly bean stalk flooded out of the hat below them, rooted in the plate of soil which Fletcher had been balancing.

When the stalk had reached it's full height Remus discovered they were dangling over a frosted garden or sorts. Jelly-pods hung from curled branches all around, one of which was near enough to give him a supporting platform where he could let go of Fletcher.

Or so he thought but it turned out to be so slippery he fell miles and would certainly have met his death had he not managed to attach a kind of bubblegum safety rope to the jelly-stem.

When he hanged secure he could then hoist himself down the rest of the way at a less stomach-hoovering pace. The nearer he came to the ground, the more that garden looked like a frozen jungle.

There was rhubarb the size of a bear, garden sorrels tall as trees and courgettes long as canoes. Everything was oversized and not according to scale and winter had clearly hit this place very suddenly.

"Watch out!" he heard Fletcher yell above him and got out of the way quickly.

Splat!

That wasn't Fletcher's untimely death. A huge pile of dung had fallen from the sky, and pretty soon Fletcher fell right into it.

Ew.

"Pretty nifty, eh?" he said as he crawed out of the hill of crap. "The Coprophilius is sure to catch on! It's _soooo useful!_ "

People were _sooooo jealous!_

"Hey, since we're here, do you want to loot?" Fletcher asked.

"Sure... Hey, what's that growing over there, do you know?"

What looked like giant snow eringoes grew below a giant raspberry bush. But where as snow eringoes had blue flowers growing at the center of spiky leaves at the top, these did not, as if the holly-like leaves were the flowers.

Fletcher gasped.

"Space weed!" he shrieked  
He began to tear off leaves and stuff his pockets.

"Who's that out there?" came a booming voice from inside the castle.

"Oh flip it's the giant! He's awoken! I didn't bring my triangle. Did you bring your transverse flute?"

"No!"

So they stuffed all the space weed they could in their pockets and ran back to the jelly-stalk.

"How do you get back up?" Remus asked.

" _Pogo-stick!"_ said Fletcher and his wand extended into a stick with a spring and footrest at the end. He hopped on, and upward, shooting to the sky like a rocket ship.

Ok, that really was nifty. The Bubblefy felt somewhat inadequate in this particular situation. If it hadn't been for a passing moth just happening to go in the direction of the top hat Remus would have been stuck below, forced to climb all the way up.

So thanks, random moth.


	13. Chapter 13

DECEMBER 13 FRIDAY

That Yule Ball was rapidly approaching now. With the snow witch finished James and Sirius needed to figure out how to bring it to life.

"How indeed," said James as he packed his things together after Charm's class. "If only there was a place you could go, to learn things."

"Yeah," Sirius agreed. "A place that had people that knew more than you, whom you could ask."

They thought long and hard about where such a place might exist, if it did.

"Nice work everybody!" said Flitwick, bunching his papers. "We have so many flying Mistle Shockers now nobody will escape them!"

Mistle Shockers were like Mistle Toes, except they looked more like fingers. And also they gave a shock to anybody who tried to get out of a snog.

James and Sirius were halfway through the door, thinking they'd just wallow through some dust with books underneath in the library.

"How about it? You love dust," Sirius asked Remus, who declined, said he had errands without specifying what they were and left ahead of them. Peter decided he wanted to hang around this time.

"Sir," said James to Flitwick."Do you know how to animate stuff?"

"Don't you?" Flitwick replied and made some papers fly around. Not quite what the chaps had in mind.

"No, we mean, like, bring it to life," said Sirius.

"No. That's Dark Arts, according to the definition."

"Why is it?"

"Because Dark Wizards love to bring things to life. It's just evil and dark."

So it seemed like a better idea to ask professor Olivier, although he just didn't seem to have the evil in him to suggest he knew anything about performing dark arts. But as if luck would have it he was just passing through the hall, holding a tray with a steaming turkey wrapped in tin foil.

"Just lovely. Gorgeous." he said to himself.

"Excuse us, sir," said James. "Do you know how to animate inanimate objects?"

"Sure I do that's basic charms," Olivier replied.

"Bring it to life we mean," said Sirius.

"Oh, that. No."

"Nothing? Not even superficially? Or some good authors?"

"Depends on what you're bringing to life and what you mean by it, dunnit?"

"A snow man, let's say," said James. "That we made."

"Still sounds like charms to me. Ask Flitters."

"But he said it's dark."

"Did he? You did say bring to life, not bring _back_ to life? Tell you what, ask Ross. Animating craft is more his area."

So that was useful. If only there really was a place where you could go to learn things, and ask people who knew more than you. A chap could dream.

XXXXXXX

After wallowing under some dust with books underneath the chaps found an enchantment that looked promising. And so they had it noted down and brought it to the lake at midnight.

So far the project had proceded very fuss-free (pun.). No arguments had been had, nobody had openly objected to the idea.

Then it happened. That annoying thing. The return of the _were-nag!_

"I don't think-"

"-We should do it," Sirius finished, before Remus could. "You are so fussy. Always fussing. You know what you are? A fusser. Fuss, fuss, fuss!"

"Somebody has to point out that doing this is really going to drain our magic."

"For a few days. There are supplements."

Not that squib-supplements worked. If they did Peter would be a great wizard.

Potentially anyway.

"Maybe we don't _all_ have to do it, then," James suggested as a compromise.

"But the more the better," Sirius argued. "Not as draining."

"We should have just dressed up a zombie..." Remus thought.

Now something actually worth considering.

No really, that would be _awesome!_

"I don't want to go to the yule ball with a zombie!" said Peter.

"That is so insensitive to even suggest it," said Sirius.

James would have loved to dig up a zombie as much as the next person, but he was just too cold for that. They had the enchantment, it would take them less than half an hour to read it and then they could be warm again. And Sirius agreed.

"Can we please just do this?" he said.

James was game, and surprisingly, so was Remus, but clearly unenthusiastic. Perhaps reading this enchantment really would be more draining than any of them could foresee.

"I really wouldn't mind if at least one of us had their magic intact, 'though," said James.

"It's just for a few days, innit?" said Remus.

"I just don't think we will be a lot _less_ drained if we all do it, so it just seems pointless."

"So you step out, then, it's your opinion."

"I don't want to step out. You're the one who didn't want to do this just now."

"I know, but since I'm more powerful than you it means I will have more power left."

"You're not more powerful than anyone, fusser!"

Was he?

"How great we can all agree then," said Sirius. "Ok let's be done with it!"

All chaps except for Peter huddled together to read the enchantment. Peter couldn't read with them because he was so weak there was a chance he'd explode or something.

Remus had the enchantment in his notebook. It was a page long, but written in the sort of beautiful poetic rhyme no amateur could make up on the spot.

"That was stuff worthy of Shakespeare himself," said James when they were done.

The stone in the snow witch's chest began to glow and radiate throughout her entire body. James could feel himself weaken as his power infused the creation. His wand arm burned so much it was almost unbearable. When it was over he felt flu-like.

The snow witch had light in her eyes and wind in her blonde hair. By some convenient miracle she was a lot prettier than James and Sirius had built her.

"Well?" she said, when at last she spoke.

The chaps began to argue about the name. Michelle! No, Julia! No, Rita! No! What other woman names could they take from Beatles songs? Jude! Joan! Mary! No, Maxwella! Maxwella? What sort of name was Maxwella! Nobody was called Maxwella!

Right?

"Nope, nobody is called Maxwella," James confirmed after consulting his smart-glass.

"That's not a proper name for an Ice Woman," said Sirius. "It has to be Cilla or Rebecka or-"

"Pot-Calling-The-Kettle? Stop naming your aunts!

"-Arial..."

"I'll agree to name her after your mum if you'll just say what it is."

"I would sooner die than recall that."

But somehow, after a few more suggestions, they managed to settle for Wendy.


	14. Chapter 14

DECEMBER 14 SATURDAY

The Day was here, or rather, the night.

The chaps and Toady waited in one of the greenhousi.

"Moira and Conrad said you quite fancy me," said Toady.

She tried to cling to Sirius, but he just gave her a cactus to hug, mumbling something about having to be married.

Then a gush of cold air flooded into the greenhouse. Juice shook his umbrella dry.

"Good evening!" he said. "Alright, where is she? What's that troll doing in here?"

"That's her, that's Toady," Sirius told him. "If she is crowned Belle of the Ball we will win all this betting money!"

Juice looked at him, not as amused as the chaps had expected.

"Is this some joke?" he asked. "'Ha ha, let's have Juice give a _troll_ a make-over, he's not too busy!'"

"It's not a troll! I mean, I'm _pretty_ sure it isn.t"

But the thought had actually never occurred to him.

"I suppose her ears would be more pronounced," Juice reasoned.

"And her tail a lot more tufted."

Juice studied Toady from all sides and angles like a tailor.

"Well I say, never have a seen such an acute need for a make-over in all my careeer as a fairy godmother. Very well, Miss Toady, life shall be cruel to you no more!"

"It's _Toddy!"_ said Toady.

But she didn't remaine insulted for long, being bedazzled by Juice as she was.

Juice raised his pink fairy wand with the star on top.

"Ohhhhhhhh... _Alagadoola mechigaboola...!"_

As he waved his wand about, merrily singing and dancing, Toady began to grow taller and slimmer. Her wide toad mouth shrunk into doll-like lips, her big glasses disappeared, revealing intense blue eyes and her dorky helmet hair grew long and curly.

Her cardy and skirt transformed into bright, orange paisley mini dress Her clumsy, brown shoes became matching heels and all her jewelry were brass ambhibians studded with citrine stones.

When the make-over was done she seemed like an infintely better person.

Toady looked at herself in a window.

"Zowee!"

"I've always thought you were cool, I just never dared to admit it," said Sirius.

"You've never thought that!" said James.

"Yes I have always!"

"No you haven't! Also you can go now, isn't Ebola waiting?"

"But you promised her me!"

A nudge-fest commenced.

"I never promised you her! Besides, wasn't the agreement that I would get her?"

"It was until you lied!"

"To keep her interested! It was your idea! I thought we agreed!"

"You are such a sexist! You must have realised that in the end we can't actually make Toady do something she doesn't want. That would really anger feminists!"

"Of course butyou weren't supposed to be an alternative!"

Sigh.

"Ok I'm out," said Sirius. "It's still Toady beneath all that and the make-over will probably wear off at some point."

"But now I don't want her," said James. "Wait a minute! You're just saying that so I'll pull out!"

"Well," said Juice, back at the door. "I must go. You kids have fun, be safe, no means no and all that except for when it means yes."

An umbrella twirl later and Juice was gone.

"Now what?" Toady asked.

"Did you bring your bouncy ball?" said Sirius.

"Yes."

"Then go sit in the corner and bounce it for now."

"Did you two just fight over me?"

There had to be some way to get Toady to choose James instead. Something Sirius could do that would be an absolute turn-off.

"So, am I to understand you have accepted Christ as your Lord and Saviour?" Toady asked him.

"Yup. I will have no more of that pagan stuff. I'm all about Love Thy Neighbour."

Then he put his hands around Remus's face and kissed him.

Which was all well confusing for him.

"Hello, neighbour," said Sirius and then he turned to James. "Come here, neighbour!"

James put up the biggest cactus he could find between them.

"Well I never!" said Toady, outraged and red in the face. "Disgusting! Unholy! Abominable!"

She spat on the floor. "Ok, do it again."

Then she ran out of the greenhouse and into the forest to get herself together.

"I hope Ebola Crool likes bubblegum," said James.

Sirius blew a pink bubble.

They needed to move on from that. With Toady's make-over sorted they now needed to attend their second project: Wendy.

Wendy had remained on the beach all night, hidden under the invisibility cloak and her location marked with two twigs. James pulled the cloak off and wore it as a scarf.

"Well that was tedious," Wendy sighed.

"Are you excited about the ball?" James asked her.

"Remind me again who shall be my dashing escort?"

Ah...

"This is your dashing escort, right here!" said Sirius, gesturing at Peter.

"Where? Is he far away? Is my tall, handsome prince coming on his steed? Or, is it you perchance?"

"Try looking down a bit."

Wendy bent her head down, stiffly, so she could see Peter.

"Do you mean _that? That_ is my date? Look at me. You expect me to go with _that?"  
"_We made you, you have no choice," said James. "Please."

"You're a few days old where did you get standards?" Sirius asked.

"Don't answer that."

Peter walked away, sadly sighing.

"Typical," he said. "Nobody will ever want me."

Well, who could have foreseen that Wendy would protest like this? But what could the chaps do? These were feminist times, it wasn't right for them to exercise their male authority.

Peter kept going further away, slowly and sighing.

"I wish the fairy godmother could do something for me," he said quietly.

"We gave you life," said James to Wendy. "We can take it away."

He felt his power decrease as Wendy glowered, and he hadn't even thought he had had any left.

"Hey look over there," Remus whispered. "The Fairy Godmother is having umbrella problems."

James looked. It was true, the Fairy Godmother was having trouble getting his mode of transportation unstuck.

"Would you look at that!" he said and decided he wanted to play with his pinball for a bit.

"Those make-overs," Remus then said. "They're not just for girls are they?"

"Are you suggesting we should ask the Fairy Godmother to give Wormtail a make-over?"

"Uhmmm... Yes."

"What a great idea! But you should probably ask Padfoot because that's, like, his uncle or something I think."

"Can't you?"

"Why can't you? Are you really so confused now you won't even talk to him?"

"I'm not confused!"

"Then do it! Bring a cactus if you must!"

But Remus decided to prove how un-confused he was by skipping the cactus.

"Hey can you ask the Fairy Godmother to give Wormtail a make-over?"

"But isn't it the inside that counts?"

"Sometimes a person needs a make-over to be happy."

"That's true. But I don't see why you have to ask for him."

"It's a sensitive area innit?"

James and his pinball came and joined the talk now.

"Please do it? He's so miserable. Just listen to that misery!"  
They listened to yet another heavy and mourful sigh. Peter sure walked slowly.

" _Fine!"_ said Sirius.

"Groovy, thanks!"

James shouted for Peter to return to them and then he told him the good news. Never before had he looked so happy.

"I get a make-over? Finally!"

"I have to ask first. Come on then," said Sirius.

Juice still strugged with his fairy-umbrella a few meters away by the firstie boats.

"Bloody thing's stuck!" he swore.

Peter covered his ears.

"Hi again," said Sirius.

"Hello!" Juice replied.

"Could you give this chap here a make-over, too? If it's not too much trouble. If it's too much trouble that's fine. It's too much trouble isn't it? Ok see you soon!"  
"It's not trouble. I wouldn't want every single friend of yours come running to me for freebies but it's no problem."

He whipped out his fairy wand and began to dance and sing like before.

" _Alagadoola michcadoola..."_

Peter grew from a miserable 4,9 to a respectable 5,8 in a flash, and lost several stones during the process. His thin mop top grew long and bright as sunshine, his geeky jacket and trousers became a navy blue double buttoned felt coat and white corduroy flares. His dull trainers became pointy, jade-buckled boots in black leather and his mittens cream suede gloves.

It wasn't quite what Sirius had asked for, this.

"What did you do, Juice?"

"I did something, like you asked," Juice replied.

"You turned him into Roy."

Peter just couldn't believe his luck. At last Juice managed to get his umbrella unstuck and bid the chaps once again a lovely time.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

The doors to the Yule Ball opened at eight. James saw it fit to find Toady at quarter past eight and it was already quarter to nine when they made their grand entrance.

The record scratched as soon as they set foot in the ballroom. Chaps swooned and girls uncoiled their inner jelaous fury when they saw Toady, sometimes the reverse.

James could see that Kate Kay had arrived, and so had both Gwendolyn Lockhart and Josie Wonnacott. None of them even _compared_ to Toady in the beauty department tonight!

Victory was his! Toady was two hours from being crowned Belle of the Ball! James envisioned himself dancing in a shower of betting money.

Eventually the music started again and the dance floor began to fill up again slowly.

"Come on then, Toddy!" said James. "Let's twist!"

Toady looked hugely offended.

"Twist? This music is outrageous! What is this vulgar nonsense?"

"It's _tan shoes and pink shoe laces!"  
A polka dot vest and man oh man!_

"I've never heard a more ridiculous song! Does Professor McGonagall know of this?"

"Maybe they'll play a waltz later."

"They better not be playing that rude waltz!"

Rude waltz? James could only name one.

"The Weiner Waltz?"

"Exactly!"  
Ha ha ha, the weiner waltz!

The record scratched again and all activity and sound froze. Oh no, James thought. He had thought that the record had scratched for the last time! This meant somebody was coming, somebody even more beautiful than Toady! This wasn't supposed to happen! This wasn't supposed to be possible!

This time chaps wept and screamed like Beatle-maniacs and the girls fumed from their ears, sometimes the reverse.

James wondered, just who could be so beautiful she'd provoke a stronger reaction than Toady?

So he looked to the stairs that led down to the ballroom.

He had never seen anything so hideous in all his life.

Her dress was an ugly bluish green that couldn't even pick a colour! Her hair an awful black kept in a stupid bun, her eyes idiotically nacre. Everything about her was repulsive because this was Ebola Crool.

How did people not see how hideous she was? Were people blind? And how had Sirius not timed their arrival better? He looked somewhat bothered by this intense reaction, and by the fact that Toady was already here.

"Hey there's McGonagall now let's complain about the music," said James sourly.

But instead of looking for McGonagall he wanted to look for Remus and Mona Weed. When he didn't see them anywhere at first he wondered just how well they had been getting on.

But he saw them pretty soon crawling around in a corner.

"This floor hasn't been properly swept at all!" Toady complained.

"What are you doing down there?" James asked.

Mona Weed sat up on her knees. "I got them! I got the nargles!"

"Is it transmitting?"

He hands were completely empty.

"Does anybody have a magnifying glass?" Mona Weed asked.  
"Do get off the floor!" said Toady, like she had any authority, as if she had already been made prefect. "This is the Yule Ball! I think you should leave if you can't honour that!"  
Said she who wouldn't even twist.

"You're absolutely right," said Mona Weed. "There's a time and place for getting down on your knees and playing find the nargle. Let's dance!"  
"Errrr..." said Remus, instead of no. This was his fear coming true right here.

Mona Weed, in the meantime, was wearing an charming satin peach mini creation with a swirly pattern. But peach clearly didn't do it.

Or mini.

"You just had that nargle. Where did it go?"

And then Remus dived back under the table.

"I don't know! I'd love to look for it, but I've been practicing the Mashed Potato for months. I'd really like to do it if the play the Mashed Potato!"

Tonight's music wasn't terribly up to date but at least it wasn't Gregorian chants.

"You don't know what you're getting into, Mona Weed," said James. "He's just too dangerous for the Mashed Potato."

"Oh. I know what you mean! They say I'm too dangerous for the Watusi."

"Lots of people are doing the Peppermint Twist now."

"Oh let's do the Peppermint Twist!"

"No he's too dangerous for the Peppermint Twist."

"Sirius is over there," said Remus.

"I know but I don't want to catch a GTD."

" _Don't_ you?"

Ok, so maybe Toady was annoying but only Slytherins were gits, that was science.

Whatever came of the Mashed Potato or Peppermint Twist James did not get to see because next Toady wanted to go and tell off the DJ for choosing such vulgar songs. James wanted to tell her to sod off. But she really was very hot, and once she was crowned Belle of the Ball she was going to be the most popular wicth in school and make James somewhat richer. So he would just have to be patient.

So it was then, when they came to the DJ corner, that James saw that the DJ was Snape.

Ha on him.

"Can't you play something appropriate?" Toady asked.

"Like what?" Snape replied nasally, never once taking his eyes off James which was just disturbing.

"Classical music!" said Toady.

"I was told to play these records by those who arranged this years Yule Ball, which is titled 60's Nostalgia."

Snape sighed heavily.

"Most people in our generation don't have the attention span to appreciate classical music."

Then why didn't they just marry each other, James wondered.

"But this is vulgar!" said Toady. "I demand you play something more tasteful!"  
"And whatever you do, _don't_ play The Mashed Potato Songbecause I can't stand that song!" said James.

So Snape removed the current record and put on another that had _The Mashed Potato Song_ on it.

Toady was beyond herself with self-righteous rage and kept arguing with Snape. When James saw Mac he thought saying hello to her would be time better spent. Perhaps he could even get a Twist out of it. Because he just really wanted to do the Twist.

"Hello Mac," said James. "How did you get in?"

"The same way everybody else did," Mac replied. "I was going to have a quiet night in the dorm, but Cas wouldn't stop whispering in my ear every night: Alone is pathetic. Alone is pathetic. Everybody will feel so sorry for you."

"Who's your date then?"

"It's Phil."

And there was Phil, too. James hadn't put the two together because Phil's eyes had been elsewhere.

"Evening," said Phil. "So Toady, huh? That's immensely brave of you, I give you that."

"Haven't you seen her?" James asked. "Toady is way cool, don't you know. By association. With me. Right?"

"Hey, if you like Toady it doesn't matter what anybody thinks of her or you. Few would be willing to risk social suicide the way you have."

"I don't like Toady. It's just an experiment."

"Then that explains why you seem so unhappy and radiate such frustration."

"I've been trying to make her popular. But for some reason..."

Things hadn't gone according to plan at just had eyes for Ebola Crool now.

"If you don't think she is cool, how can you expect anybody else to?" Phil asked.

Shut up, Phil. You're weird, that's what you are, who cares what you think?

"She is very hot, 'though," said Phil.

Thank you.

"I haven't seen Roy anywhere," said James.

"Something came up."

The record scratched again and James as well as everybody else turned their attention to the stairs. This time it was Wendy who arrived with her date, Roy.

James didn't immediately remember that Roy was actually Peter, so he was quite surprised at first.

"There he is," said Mac.

"Oh look he's ok now," said Phil, relieved.

Boys fainted and girls exploded, sometimes the reverse, when Wendy and Peter came down the stairs. James decided he wanted to say hello to them now.

"I am here," said Wendy. "Now I want to dance."

"I don't know how to dance," said Peter.

"Then I shall dance with somebody else. Why bring a date if you won't dance?"

Mouths open everywhere as Wendy strode across the dancefloor, Peter trailing after like a lost nargle. Many were afraid to look at her they felt so ugly and unworthy.

"How's it going?" James asked.

"Don't you 'how's it going?' me! The boy doesn't dance."

"Everybody dances."

"Are you calling him a liar?"

That was nicer than what James really was calling him.

"Why won't you dance with her?" he asked Peter.

Seeing Roy so anxious and fearful was weird.

"Because I'm afraid of women!"

"She's really a snowman!"

Peter lit up.

"Hey yeah! I guess she really is a snowman!"

Snape stood with them.

How and when did that happen?

There was Snape now, and he only had eyes for Wendy.

"Excuse me, milady," he said. "Do you want to dance?"

"It's what we're here for, is it not?" Wendy replied.

"Then let us dance."

Wendy studied him. Much like Sirius's hot mum her face was frozen in eternal disapproval so it was impossible to read anything else from it. But Wendy was an intelligent snowman with high standards, so certainly she disapproved of Snape.

"You're not attractive at all," said Wendy.

Ha ha ha!

"But I can see that you have dignity and self-respect, and I like that in a man. I would dance with you, but there seems to be no music now."

"Then we shall make our own music," said Snape and gave his arm, although not like a Kappa gave its arm.

Wendy had plenty suitors whistling and shouting for her attention, all of them superior in beauty, but Wendy still gave her arm to Snape, although not like a Kappa gave its arm. This did not shock James, for both were chilly as hell so they were perfect.

It was just that he hadn't toiled to get _Snape_ a date!

"But the music!" said Peter.

"Any idiot can be a DJ so you do it!" Snape snarled and left to dance with Wendy.

Despite looking like Roy Peter was still treated like Peter. Snape would not have snarled at Roy like that, and Roy wouldn't have let him. But then, Roy would never have lost a date to Snape in the first place.

Peter made himself snug in the DJ corner and flipped the record.

"I see Bach's Minuet in G Minor!" said Toady. "Put that on!"  
Peter did so, and it wasn't long before people began to flee the dancefloor, and boo the DJ, and throw toothpick food and papercups at him.

"I'd like to dance now," said Toady.

James did not. But Phil was right. If Toady was to be thought of as cool by association, he needed to think she was cool first. It was just that he had thought that once Toady was hot, he would automatically be able to see cool in her. He had hoped that the toad had hidden all the cool.

But that just hasn't happened. Now all that mattered was that she was crowned Belle of the Ball, and then he and Sirius would get all that betting money.

Nobody approved of the current music and somehow the word got out that Toady was responsible. Pretty soon those swoons were replaced with glares of irritation.

People were beginning to _hate_ her.

"Ok!" said James, silently praying for rescue so he wouldn't have to humiliate himself further by not knowing how to dance a minuet.

It all felt so cringy. He could feel himself lose the dignity and self-respect he took for granted. Frankly, he wanted to run and hide somewhere. And Phil was right, people would pick up on that. His social suicide was happening.

"Bach's Minuet is way cool, don't you know?"

People fled the dance floor. Never before had James felt so awkward being the center of attention. All eyes were on Toady and they weren't kind. Seeing Sirius in the crowd of spectators with Ebola, James mouthed: Heelp meee!

This was his most pitiful moment so far.

Toady assumed the dainty pose of a Minuet dancing 18th century noble woman and told James to do the same thing.

This was worse than having a snowman drain him of magic power.

He could not do this with any conviction. If he just fled there was a chance he'd survive the suicide attempt, and that couldn't be said if he stayed.

Heart pounding. He really was going to get the hell out of here.

Then rescue happened. Sirius stood between them.

"What the hell are you doing?" he said, agressive,

What could he be doing?"

"I don't owe you any explanation!" James replied, also agressive.

"I think you do!"

"Uhm no I don't!"

"Oh yes you do!"

"Do not!"

"Hey what's going on here?" Toady asked.

"What are you doing with this nerd?" said Sirius.

"You shouldn't be with him he's not good for you!" said James.

They were stirring up such gossip material that they could no longer hear the Minuet for the popcorn and gasps.

"I can't believe this!" said Toady. "You're really fighting over me!"

"Who's it gonna be him or me?" said Sirius.

"He can't give you what I can!" said James.

"Oh dear," said Toady. "Well, it's true that Sirius is way hotter. But given his reputation I don't really see a future for us. So therefore I choose you!"

Well blasted, James thought. And mouthed: Heeelp meee!

"Sorry," Toady told Sirius.

James mouthed also: that's your betting money, too!

It was quite a lot of money.

It was enough money to get Sirius to put his hands around Toady's face and kiss her.

Somewhere in the room the popularity-meter was overheating for Toady.

And feminists thought: oh for f's sake.

"I changed my mind!" said Toady when she had recovered.

"Fudge!" Sirius muttered.

Ha ha ha, James thought. What was he grimacing about, he was ambiguously French, that couldn't have been a lot different from having a frog in his throat!

Sirius mouthed: that's your betting money, too!

James knew now what he needed to do. Put his hand around Toady's face and kiss her.

And he had to go second, too, ugh! And catch a GTD- Gum Transmitting Diabetes!

Somewhere in the room the popularity-meter exploded for Toady and the keeper needed to go to the Hospital wing with third degree burns.

"Oh!" said Toady. "I just can't choose!"

Yesss!

And blegh!

Double blegh!

James wouldn't have minded the bubblegum without the toady-undertone.

Somehow that seemed to give the wrong impression.

"I can't believe you just did that," said Ebola Crool, not too jealous because Toady.

If James had to choose between Toady and Ebola Crool he'd sooner commit literal suicide. Except he had just snogged the former. And now he wanted to commit literal suicide.

I was almost eleven o' clock now. How was that even possible? The judges would come out of their private Chamber of Judging very soon and announce this year's Belle of the Ball!

James was a little nervous, until he saw that Toady's popularity really had been restored and people were quite happy to attempt minuets now.  
"Where's Rem?" Sirius asked.

"No idea. But I hope they got to do the Mashed Potato," said James.

"Mona Weed had to go to the Hospital Wing," said Phil behind them.

"Whatfor?"

"She got terrible hurt."

"When?"

"In the terrible accident?"

"What terrible accident?"

"You really didn't notice the terrible Watusi mishap not fifteen minutes ago? Ten people injured. I just hope Mona doesn't blame herself. The Watusi is just a dangerous dance for anybody! Nobody could have foreseen it nobody!"  
Then he stormed off. "Why couldn't she stick to the Mashed Potato whyyy?"

"Hey chaps," said Mac.

"Evening Mac," the chaps replied. "What happened?"

"Well," said Mac. "They were doing the Watusi. Mona Weed just sort of went like this with her arms and somehow..."

Seeing Mac attempt the Watusi was weird.

"You had to be there," she finished.

"Is she terribly hurt?"

"Nah. A toothpick just pierced through her entire foot."

How strange that they had missed all that.

But they were glad the accident hadn't been Mashed Potato induced.

The clock kept ticking away. James was so excited.

"That betting money is ourse!" said James.

Sirius didn't hear him. He seemed aloof and he was looking around, like he had lost something.

"Clock's over there," said James, pointing.

"I know. I just don't see Cas anywhere."

Coming to think of it James hadn't seen Cas at all. She and her date had not been keeping close to Mac and Phil. And her date was supposed to have been Roy.

"Who cares about Dorky?" said Ebola Crool.

So Cas wasn't up there with Ebola Crool status-wised but she still had no right. But Ebola thought she did and continued:

"By not showing up, Dorky is doing herself a favour. She probably thinks she has a chance at winning tonight, the delusional bimbo! The loss would crush her!"

"Shut up, Deb!" said Sirius. "Don't call her Dorky!"

"But you thought of it."

"That's not an excuse!"  
Then he turned to leave.

"Where are you going?"

"Don't follow me. We're over."

"But why?"

But now Sirius just wanted to get away from Ebola Crool, and James couldn't blame him. About time, he thought.

"Be right back," he told James.

"Are you making sure Cas won't show up and ruin everything?" James asked. "Not that she stands a chance against Toady, right?"

"Yeah."

James remained at the door, watching Sirius run to make sure that betting money was theirs. He wonder if perhaps he needed to assist him in this.

He wondered if Sirius was perhaps just bored with this project now?

He needed to stop him.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXx

Cas sat in the library reading gossip mags. James found her first, because who would think to look for Cas in the library?

A clever person!

Here she sat, popping gum alone in the library, all tarted up for the Yule Ball. It was just the saddest sight.

James studied her dress and hair from behind a shelf, first, trying to decide whether or not she possessed the wow factor to take the crown from Toady.

Cas generally favoured pink. But pink was a fairly overrepresented colour tonight. It was like Cas had expected that, because tonight she wore a black mini dress that would really stand out among all the bright, happy colours with psychedelic patterns.

Was she trying to establish herself as a 'bad' girl in order to get somebody's attention like in that musical set in a 50's high school Sirius had told James about?

In any case, when he saw the dress that was so short only magic could keep the knickers from showing, all he could think was: She just couldn't lose in that.

"Evening Cas," said James, leaving his hideout. "Say, uhm, could you help me look for-"

James was silenced by a hand over the mouth and pulled behind a shelf, where he was allowed to speak.

"What are you doing Padfoot?" he asked.

"I'm afraid I can't let you go through with this," said Sirius.

What was he on about?

"I suspect I'm the one who can't let _you_ go through with this!"

"With what?"

"Somehow I just got this sneaky feeling that you were going to tell Cas to go to the ballroom."

It sounded so silly when he said it out loud!

"But why would you want to do such a thing, right? What motivation could you _possibly_ have?"

"Cas is my friend, what other motivation do you need?"

"Since when?"

"I don't know, I forgot to note down the exact day in my diary!"

"It was probably the same day she came into the gym strutting her pom poms!"

"That is so sexist. If she was a bloke you would not be questioning my motivation."

"You kissed a bloke tonight so maybe I would. But if she was a bloke you would not come to her aid like a dashing knight and push her to win some superficial beauty contest. I _think."_

"I would do the same for you!"

"What about all that betting money? I thought we were a team! I've been risking social suicide for two weeks because of you and now you're turning your back on me for some _woman!"_

"I snogged Toady and your life wasn't even at stake!"

"Ditto!"  
Sigh. They both calmed down.

"She's your friend, too." said Sirius.

"I don't remember that diary entry."

"We shouldn't leave her here alone."

So now he was trying to take the moral high ground, play the morality card. Ha! This act was not as good as his Widow Twankey, 'though.

"You are so right," said James. "It's a little late, but I've decided to ask her to be my date for the ball. It's why I came here."

"That's not why you came here."

"If that's ok with you. So speak now or forever hold your peace."

"But what about that betting money?"

"Cas's feelings are more important than money. I thought that's what you said."

"I never said that. You know, I acted hastily coming here. But now I realise how behind the times I am! Trying to 'save' her is not the feminist way! No, we should mind our own business and win that money! That's what the modern man would do!"  
"I suppose that is what the modern man would do."

James was confused. Feminism confused him, because he was a chap.

"She's a strong independent woman she'll go if she wants to!" said Sirius.

"Right!"  
"That contest is objectifying and demeaning and she probably wants nothing to do with it anyway!"

"It's her body if she wants to use it to sit on her arse reading gossip mags it's her right!"  
"Hear hear!"  
Sirius opened the door to one of the private study rooms.

"You have something on your..." he showed, on his own cheek.

When James went to look in the mirror inside the room, Sirius closed the door on him.

The sneaky traitor! This was the oldest trick in the book was this the best he could do?

When he caught up Sirius was already talking to Cas.

"You have to go or Toady will win everything!"

" _Toady?!"_

Enraged, Cas was on her feet in no time.

What could James do to stop her? He had next to no magic power. He couldn't hex a girl either way, but he could have hindered her indirectly in some way, by hexing a lamp to fall on her head for example.

But in his current state all he had was some gum under his shoe.

Gum under his shoe? Heureka! (But nobody could ever know of this.)  
"Hurry!" said James when the gum had made it to his hand. "Wait, you just have something in your hair why don't I just..."

Oh yes. He would.

"Where?" Cas asked, feeling her hair, careful not to ruin it.

James had his hand up. He was going to stick it in Cas's hair while she looked at her reflection in a window.

But Sirius pushed her out of the way, and James just wound up getting his hand stuck to Sirius's face.

Cas escaped.

"Well," said James. "You are brave, I give you that. Risking social suicide for Cas."

"I don't really see it like that," said Sirius, in some discomfort because he had a gum and a hand stuck to one eye. "But more like hopping off a sinking ship into a lifeboat."

"You're such a poet, but that doesn't change the fact that you snogged Toady for nothing."  
"That betting money is dirty now."  
That was true.


	15. Chapter 15

DECEMBER 15 SUNDAY

James and Sirius were marginally less rich the next day.

Cas had not only been crowned Belle of The ball, she had also been the only person betting on herself.

The only issue that had remained unsolved was this: why had Fletcher put his betting money on Toady?

"Why did you?" Sirius asked, when he caught whiff of him passing by in the morning in the Great Hall.

"Why did I what?" Fletcher asked.

"Bet that money on Toady?"

"Because Rora is a liar and a fraud! 'I see great fortune in your future' my sun-quencher!"

And then Fletcher stormed off.

But aha, there was another thing that needed resolving.

"So you did the Unbreakable Pinkie-Swear, then?" Sirius asked James. "Feel any strange sensations in your pinkie?"

James just played around with his pinball.

"Oh, that. Toady must have done it wrong because I feel fine. _Ow."_

The pinball hit him right on the head. In fact, it was as if James couldn't catch anything!

"Catch!" said Sirius, throwing him a brioche just to test him.

It hit James in the face.

"I wasn't ready! Throw me another brioche!"

After twenty or so wasted brioche's McGonagall said they couldn't waste brioches like this.

But that was the least of James's concerns, although he probably saw it as his greatest concern.

"I just can't believe Wendy left with Sourpus Grape," he said while trying to catch teaspoons, sugar cubes, wet tea bags and whatever Sirius could lay his hands on.

"You know, when two people are really right for each other..." said Sirius.

"I did not spend all my magic so Sourpus Grape would find love. The ball is over. Let's destroy her today."

After first consulting the map they set course towards the potions lab.

Wendy was there as well, watching Snape work.

"Hey Wendy," said James. "Can we see you outside?"

"Make me," Wendy replied.

"We just want to talk," Sirius tried.

"So talk here. We have no secrets from each other."

"No, you don't have secrets. We have tons of secrets."

The chaps turned away to talk in private.

"Do you think Sourpus Grape's been talking about us?" James asked. "Fed her a bunch of lies to make us look bad?"

"Wouldn't we?" Sirius asked.

"She wouldn't believe everything she's told! She's an independent woman!"

"Her body is her sanctuary!"

"If she wants to get second hand cancer from the toxic fumes it's her right!"

"You don't get second hand cancer from potions fumes. You get second hand cancer from the Salvation Army."

The two left the lab, looking at the map as they headed for the exit stairs.

"It's predictable," said Sirius, "but we always have good ol' Polly."

"You'll have to do it because I won't."  
"Wormtail can do it. Moony once said he thinks collective we don't include him enough."

"He might have said collective we but he meant you."

"Whatever."

"It's fine by me. We probably should include him some more."

"Let's go and include him now."

The map informed them that Peter was somewhere in the forest on the other side of the lake. Intense cold had frozen the grounds over night, so the chaps put on their winter coats real quick before embarking on a kicksled ride across the ice.

Once they had made it to the other side they abandoned the kicksled and followed a path into the forest trodden in the snow.

They walked as quickly as they could in the deep snow. They hadn't been in this part of the forest much, if at all. If they had it had been by accident.

Blackbirds chirped and ate the frozen berries they could find, a woodpecker hammered away and a squirrel even dropped a pine cone. A sinister laugher rang through the air.

" _Heheheheheheheheheheeee!"_

That sounded a lot like some kind of gnome, and the laughter of these happy creatures echoed through the thick forest, which incidentally had strange red patches in the snow here and there.

Blood?

"This time we're _sure_ we've been looking at the right year, right?" said Sirius, because of the brutal consequences of this year's Halloween calendar mishap.

Just, but brutal.

"What's that up there?" James asked, looking up. He had just seen a pair of glowing eyes in a tree, but now they were gone.

"Hey!" said Sirius, because a gnome had hopped on his head, nicked his scarf and then disappeared into the forest.

James could now see several of this creatures in just about every tree. These armed little gnomes with red hats watched them with curiosity and murderlust.

"I got the name just at the tip of my tongue..." he said.

The hats had patches of not-red, because they were dyed with blood, much like the point of the pikes they used to stab their prey.

And also, they had tufted beards.

And the chaps had no magic.

"Hey," James whispered. "Got any marsbars?"  
"No," Sirius whispered back. "Got any gum under your shoe?"

"No. Hey, should we play dead do you think?"

"No you're thinking of bears."

"They sure can stare."

"That's sadists for you."

"Or, maybe society's given them a bad rep."

"They're giving themselves a bad rep right now."

These were Red Caps of course and seeing an illustration in a book did not compare to being surrounded by an entire congress.

"You know how there's a darker ending to Cinderella than the more commonly told version?" James whispered.

"Yes. This is the darker ending to Little Red Riding Hood."

In which Little Red Riding Hood was split and went on to attack many a tiny man with tufted beards.

Keeping still and quiet like this seemed to make the Red Caps keep their distance. They were chatting amongst themselves up in the trees where they sat. James and Sirius searched their pockets discretely for some lose change to throw on the ground. The hasty movement made the Chief Cap whistle for his troop of Caps to charge at them, but the minute their tiny legs touched the ground they were bedazzled by the shiny money and the chaps could make a run for it.

But the Red Caps weren't bedazzled for long. Quick on their little feet as they were they began to catch up in no time, scaring blackbirds from their hiding places with their war cry.

"Give me a branch any branch," said Sirius while he clicked his lighter.

James went for the first larger stick he saw sticking out in the snow and wired his scarf around the tip for easier ignition.

Sirius managed to light the humid scarf and then he waved it at the Red Caps so they'd back away.

Then he mocked them for their size a bit and then he and James continued briskly through the forest, keeping any bloodthirsty gnome in their path at a safe distance.

The trodden path passed through very uncomfortable and challenging terrain full of rocks and hills and ended in a clearing, where a peppermint-striped jelly stalk grew, so large the top of it couldn't be seen.

Remus came down from it, and so did Roy, no wait, Peter.

"Just been up there growing some stalks," said Remus.

"Are you growing stalks on top of stalks?" James asked.

"I got five beans so I thought I'd see how far they can reach when grown on top of eachother."

"Wormtail we need your help," said Sirius.

"OK!" said Peter, leaping forwards with joy at first.

Then he did realise that it would be smart to ask: "With what?"

"With drinking this. It's Polly. It will turn you into Snape."  
"But why do you need me to do that?"

"It's to make Wendy stay close to you and therefor us."

Peter did not look too keen on being turned into Snape. After being turned to Roy it was a trade down. And James saw, if not a flaw then certainly a weakness, in the plan.

"How can we be sure she'll _keep_ staying close to Snape when it's not really Snape?"

Just the mere suggestion that anybody would find a sudden _lack_ of Snape a bad thing was just the absurdest thing. But who could understand the innerworkings of a psychotic ice woman?

"We will just have to be quick," said Sirius. "We'll give him some acting tips and lock Snape somewhere. We could lure Wendy, like with a romantic note, and use Wormtail as a bait. After that we'll lure _her_ somewhere and then... What are you looking at?"

"Nothing I'm just really interested in your plan," said Remus.

"Shut up or do better!"  
"The way to upheave the enchantment is to read it backwards. I forgot what it was and when I went to look it up the page had been torn out. Can you believe such vandalism?"

"Did you report it?"

"No."

"You should have. It will make you less suspicious."  
"I suppose maybe."

"You don't want any librarian to notice you only tear out pages on how to spot, recognise, lure, catch, hunt, murder or torture werewolves or otherwise make their lives miserable."

"Only the correct ones and out of four missing pages she's only accused me of two."

There really was no time to spare. The chaps had the plan worked out and wanted to put it in action. The burning scarf was dying now, so Remus climbed up the stalk again and after fifteen minutes an enormous golden floorharp came falling down from the skies.

Carrying the heavy harp between them James and Sirius took the path through the forest back to Hogwarts, and Peter followed them. Any time they saw a Red Cap they played some soothing music and took one with them, but that probably wasn't necessary.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXX

The first steps of the plan went smoothly. James and Sirius managed to trick Snape inside a room with a Red Cap. Peter drank the Polly, recieved acting tips and cotton up his nostrils. Now they waited for Wendy to read the romantic note and come down to the library. As soon as they heard her coming James and Sirius hid where they could overview the scene.

"Here I am my darling," said Wendy.

"Hellurrrr," said Peter. "Erm...surrr...gladd...you...kerm."

"Your note was very romantic."

"Urrr...Wendurrr..."

"Severus."

"They...shall...nevurrr...gett...hurld...off...thatt...purrrge."

"What purge?"  
"Purrrtch."

"Purse?"

"Perrrutch."

"Parrot? Birch?"

"Puh! Puh!"  
"Peach? Porsche? Page?"  
"Yes! Porrrridge!"  
"I don't know what you're talking about. What page?"

"You...deurn't...Wendurr?"

"No."  
"Rrrrrurrght."

"I'm leaving Hogwarts, Severus," said Wendy. "Will you come with me?"

"Urrmm...Yesss..."

"Do you promise?"  
"Urr...purmurss. Wurr...will you...gurr...Wendurrr?"

He was good. James was really surprised with how he not only remembered the acting tips but fully understood how to be Snape. He never came close to breaking character and he didn't seem all that nervous either.

"Some place cold and snowy, where I can build my ice castle."

James and Sirius went inside one of the quiet study rooms.

"So she says she doesn't know," said Sirius. "Plan B, then?"

"Swim in Moony's mind-antique shop?" said James.

"Why didn't we do it first thing, that would have saved us time."

"Because it's unethical?"

"It's not too advanced at all."

"Why Moony's mind-antique shop, 'though?"

"Ok yours."

"Moony's mind-antique shop it is. It's for the benefit of all of us!"

"But we'll still have to keep him in the dark about it, won't we?"

"Well of course nobody likes having people swim in their mind-antique shops."

"But how can we do it, when we have next to no power? We can hardly master the basics and mind-swimming is fairly advanced."

"Ah...Well..."

James let Sirius take his time with this one.

"If we put our powers together I'm sure it's enough. And have a can of squib supplements each first."

"Ok. Then the logical thing would be to invade Wormtail's Mind-gerbil wheel. He was there, he heard us say it. It doesn't matter how much you just want to invade Moony's mind-antique shop for your own curiosity, it just isn't for our benefit."  
"Of course you're absolutely right absolutely..."

A strong wind blew outside, making trees creak. James wished he had shut up, but he was confident Sirius would think of something.

"However," said Sirius. "I'm just not sure if Wormtail's mind can take it. Some people who have had their minds invaded have been institutionalised because their brains were so messed up."

"Is that so? Well, for you to have greater concern for Wormtail's mental health than Moonys is just what I would expect from you."

"Ok so let's do it!"

Recalling that there was a pocket watch somewhere in the dorm, James and Sirius set off to find it, looking in the map as they did so and not where they were going.

"Looks like he's not at the stalk," said Sirius, eyes on the map. "Watch where you're going!"

James looked up from the map, too, and saw that Sirius had walked into Remus.  
"Sorry," said Remus, because he hadn't been looking where he was going either. He had been busy shoving jelly twigs inside his fist.

"Are those roots?"

"Neat, isn't it? Muggle tricks are really great and not just limited to handkerchiefs and doves."

He stuffed the final and most stubborn jelly root in more forcefully.

"How are things going?"

"Do you have the time?"

He didn't just have the time, he had a pocket watch, too.

"It'ssss... quarter to four."

"Can I just look at it real quick?"

Remus let Sirius have the pocket watch and Sirius held it by the chain, giving it some light swinging momentum. Much like anybody probably would, Remus seemed to find this just a little curious.

"Are you trying to-"

"You'regettingsleepyyou'regettingsleepyyou'regettingsleepy!"

The effect was instantenuous because Remus was always more or less sleepy. James had to catch him so he wouldn't sink like a punctuated bludger.

"Yes, let's do it here, the most frequented part of Hogwarts where anybody can catch us any second."

"I'm trying to save time here," said Sirius and clapped twice, hard.

Remus opened his eyes, looking like a sleepwalker in his current hypnotised state.

"Now think back," said Sirius, "think back and remember urrr Thursday December urrrr 12. This year. 1974. Remember that enchantment you read to bring Wendy to life. Keep remembering that..."

Sirius took the chain in his other hand so he could hold his Ebony, Nymph follicle in his wand hand.

Then he and James realised they needed to go where there were empty flasks and steered their feet towards the dungeon and an unoccupied lab.

Sirius sat Remus down on a stool, then he sat himself down on a stool beside him and there he kept him in his hypnotised state by just dangling the watch in a perfect rhytm while James went and got some flasks. Sirius had asked for six flasks but James thought they only had time for two. When he had put them down and sat down with them, wand ready, they could commence.

They knew the spell and were just confident enough to go through with it, but they also really didn't want to mess anything up.

"Get his Willow, too, who knows, maybe it will do something," said Sirius. "Stick your hand in his pockets."

"I think you want to stick your hands in his pockets."

"My hands are full as they are."

James found the Willow, sphinx molar.

"On second thought, maybe we should just stick to the one," he said.

Sirius found that reasonable, too, and put his away. Then he and James held the Willow together, and said the enchantment, after first having a few cans of squib supplement each.

It seemed to be working. A blue light noodled out of Remus's forehead and followed the guiding Willow to an uncorked flask, where it infused the ionised water and gave it that characteristic silvery shimmer.

"And then," said Sirius, soothing, "remember what happened in the Hospital Wing Saturday December 14 after the Mashed Potato incident."

That was just so wrong, James thought but said nothing. Wrong in a right way.

The noodle of light cut off from the forehead like an umbilical cord and disappeared into the flask only for another noodle of light to appear.

With the second flask infused with the second memory the chaps could now say the enchantment that would close the mind stream. The little light in the forehead shrunk and disappeared.

James was absolutely spent now. Sirius filled a medium cauldron with tap water and wet down his robes drinking from it.

"Now what?" James asked, because they couldn't well enough wake Remus up here and now, they had no excuse worked out.

Sirius wiped his mouth and snapped his fingers. Then he and James ran out of this lab and into another one, taking the flasks with them. There they filled one of the sinks with inonised tap water.

"We're jerks," said James.

"But we just did it to- yeah we're jerks," said Sirius. "Do you want to do this or not?"

"Of course I do, that way something good can come out of this!"  
"That's what I thought!"

Sirius poured both flasks in the sink and dived right in. James dived right after.

And landed on his arse on a beach veiled in darkness. He could hear the memory version of him speak just meters away.

"That was stuff worthy of Shakespeare himself," said memory-James.

"Freeze!" said the real James.

And everything around them became still. Memory-Remus was looking in the book with the enchantment. Sirius copied it down on his hand, using a memory-pen. Then, when he saw that Remus had his notebook under the grimoire, he decided to flip through it. James looked, too.

There were several sketches featuring beanstalks inhabited by giants, angels, God and curly little clouds. This was true children's books material.

Another illustration was a lot sketchier, depicting the tip of a jelly-stalk in space, the moon in the distance and plenty of measurement and angle calculations allover.

Yet another drawing was of the moon and the sun, shaded with ink using a crosshatching technique that really made it pop. The moon was strapped with a belt of dynamite and the moon carried a riding crop.

"Artsy," said Sirius. "So expressive and original without being a thing representing another thing and symbolising another thing. Not something anybody would come up with."

"You really need to hate the moon to draw it with tears in its eyes while the sun spanks it," said James.

"People will forever ponder: but what does it all _mean?"_

"It means that people will turn everything into porn, even outer space."

The moon also had a ball gag in its mouth.

Quiet people really weren't as innocent as they seemed. The fact that the sun had hearts in its eyes was the most disturbing detail of all.

It was time for a set change. Following a program, the memory-sink transported the chaps to the hospital wing next.

When they had seen all they wanted to see they hopped out of the basin, collected the memories and returned to lab A, where Remus looked disoriented.

"Ok we have the enchantment let's go," said Sirius.

"You have the spell?" Remus asked. "How did you get it?"

"Just remembered what it was."

It was a little bit concerning that Remus seemed to suffer from a headache all the way to the library. But there was no guarantee that it had stemmed from the invasion. If it did it was probably normal and would surely pass very soon.

Meanwhile Peter had done a very good job keeping Wendy in the library this long.

"Urrr...Wendurrrr...," he said, closing Shakespeare's complete sonnets. "Whatt... sherll...ay...reeeed...you...knowww?"

"Read me Gone With the Wind," Wendy replied.

"Ifff...thattt'sss...watt...you..."

James and Sirius didn't even talk it over, they were going to stupefy Wendy here and now, while she had her back turned!

It was just that they were more powerless than ever and wound up feeling stupefied instead.

Wendy raised her hands and cast a snowstorm over them that had them buried to their necks.

"Fools!" she cried. "If you want me I'll be in my Ice Castle!"

Then she opened a window and escaped in the form of a snowstorm.


	16. Chapter 16

DECEMBER 16 MONDAY

As soon as school was out for Monday, Remus tossed his change in the bin and took Bluebell with him to Bum Street, hoping to stumble upon that old crone.

He did, and the crone revealed having sold Shishi but would only reveal who the new owner was for 500 gold coins.

So Remus decided to pay the Count of East Mead a visit, after first returning to Hogwarts real quick to get some empty bottles and medical equipment.

The Count of East Mead lived at the top of a tall cliff with slippery and winding stairs. Remus felt dizzy just climbing them, so he did not look forward depleting himself for the Count too much. But hey, he paid well.

The doorbell laughed evilly when Remus rang it. He could hear that the Count was throwing a particularly loud party tonight and had to ring the bell several times.

" _People of the world, join in,"_ sang the Count as he answered the door, dancing. " _The love train, love train, love train..._ Heeey, it's Funky Chimmy Chin! _"_

 _"_ Sorry?"

"Or Chinny Channy Chan?"

"Are you ok?"

"This cat's not buying more scout biscuits. I'm busy with my party. It's groovy, baby!"

"Nice."

"Zowee!"

"Ok."

"Wizard!"

"Yes."

Or was that some kind of expression?

"This music is _wicked!"  
_ "Right."

"So now that us kids speak the same language what do you want, yeah?"

"I was wondering if you'd like to buy some blood?"

"Sorry no I'm all stocked up for Christmas you see!" the Count replied. "You're not a vampire scout, are you? They've already been here with their blood biscuits."

"You can never have too much blood, can you?"

"Yes you can. It doesn't stay fresh forever. My new freezer hasn't been delivered yet and I do sleep during the day, you know."

"But this is fresher than any blood you've ever had before. It's so fresh I haven't even depleted it yet."

The Count's yellow eyes widened.

"So you're selling me your blood, is that it? You do sound desperate. Unless I can do the depletion I'm going to pass."

"For 500 gold coins you can do that."

"Hallelujah! It's like I rised again! Is that gramatically correct?"

No idea. Vertigo always cramped Remus's grammatical sense.  
"For five seconds," he added quickly to his offer.  
"10 minutes."

"2 minutes."

"Seven."

"3."

" _Seven."  
_ This haggling bit was tricky.

"5! That's my last offer!"

"What's another two minutes?"

"You can take it or leave it. How often do you get an offer like this?"

"Depends on if it's fad season. Very well, five it is. Come with me."  
The Count led the way through his gothic hall to a dark and empty room with a snooker table and minibar. Remus injected an anesthetic into his neck on the way and had just removed the syringe when the Count sunk his teeth into him.

With a good anesthetic it didn't hurt but yes, it was creepy nontheless. He kept an eye on his watch.

"5 minutes. 5 minutes and one seconds. Two seconds. Three. Four. Five. Six. Seven. I have a crucifix and I'm not afraid to use it."

The Count released him and blissed out in a corner.

"Have you taken LSD he asked?"

"No," said Remus, gauzing his neck real quick. "We did say 500."

"In a minute. Go to the party in the meantime."

All Remus needed to do to find the party was follow the music, which he recognised as very contemporary dance music. So contemporary it wasn't even a hype yet. At least not such a big hype he was aware of it anyway.

 _Rock the boat, don't rock the boat, baby..._

The Count had his own ballroom, full of blinking lights and sparkling guests having a good time.

"I love your make up!" said one guest in passing, clearly taking him for a recent convert. "You look so _alive!"_

"Thank you."

Not every guest here was a vampire, though. But it was only through the reflections in the windows, or lack thereof, that Remus could tell them apart.

"Friend of the Count, are you?" asked another guest with bloodshot eyes and wide pupils and offered a tiny bit of colourful paper. "Blotter?"

"Thank you."

"The Count throws the best parties. I think I'll have another Bloody Mary."

But the guest decided to pass out on the floor in the puddle of his own vampiric sick instead.

Remus moved to another part of the oak panel wall where he could listen in on one of the conversations that took place between a woman and two men.

"So," said a woman, swirling a glass of blood plasma. "How are things at the bakery, uhm, Rudolph, is it?"

" _Ro_ dolph," replied he who was apparently called _Ro_ dolph.

"I really want to watch Young Frankenstein now."

"I think it was Rodolph anyway," said Rodolph who wasn't even sure what he was called he was so plastered.

"I'm sure your brother knows," said the woman. "Don't remind me! Raaaa...bastan? Rabastian?"

"Actually it's Rastaban," said the brother of Rodolph, Rastaban.

"You sure?" asked Rodolph.

"Of course. Obviously I'm named after a star in Draco Draconis and it's definitely called Rastaban. I've triple checked multiple times."

"That does make sense. How come I'm not named after one?"

"Because we're just half brothers."

"What?"

"To answer your question, Ursa," said Rastaban. "We're having it renovated. We're going to sell it and move to Diagon Alley."

Baker brothers, Remus thought. They couldn't be _those_ baker brothers from the French Mafia, could they?

But what if they were!

"Bloodshot?" asked a pale butler with a tray of tiny glasses.

"No, thank you," Remus replied, just conflicted between wanting to get out and find out more.

He couldn't keep skirting the walls by himself like this forever, he'd look asocial. But he didn't quite know how to blend in.

"Hey look the Count is here!" said another guest.

And right she was, the Count entered the ballroom at this point, showing off some of his dance moves.

"Something came up. I do hope my butler's kept your blood levels up," said the Count.

"How come you don't have house elves?" asked another guest.

"They clash with the Feng Shui or something."

"A most wise decision," said Rastaban. "House Elves will soon be a thing of the past. My brother and I will revolutionise housekeeping."

"How so?"

"Kappas."

The remaining guests looked at him as if he was utterly bonkers.

"Really?" said the Count. "Here's a slogan for you: 'Get a clean house _and_ raped in your own bath!'"

"I haven't been raped once," said Rastaban. "They are miniature bodyguards. We're still just in the discussion stage, my brother and I. We need one more to start breeding. I think the Hogsmead Zoo can provide us with that. If it all works out everybody will want one!"

Now was a good time to discretely bother the Count and ask to see him outside.  
"I'm not so sure," said the Count. "People will still fear getting raped in their bath. Excuse me."

Remus left the ballroom ahead of the Count and waited by the stairs.

"How do you like my party?" the Count asked, showing off his moves again.

"It's great. Say, do you know where those two bakers live?"

"Oh, the Lestranges?"

They _were_ in the French Mafia!

"Closest thing I have to neighbours," the Count went on. "They live in my County, the County of East Mead, which is just below this cliff. I can introduce you if you want."

"I really must go now,"

And then to steer the conversation where he wanted...

"This is such a nice neighbourhood, Up On the Cliff. I can see why they woud want to live here."

"They don't live Up on the Cliff. They live in Briar Rose."

"Oh, I see. Ok now I really must go."

The Count gave Remus a pouch of gold. It had to be enough in there to get Bluebell back, too. 


	17. Chapter 17

DECEMBER 17 TUESDAY

Being low on magic was just the worst, and it kept getting worse. Other students kept their distance as if the chaps carried some strange disease. The humiliation was made worse by the fact that this was the season of nursery level holiday magic.

"Here's a sure way to make a Christmas dinner uncomfortable," said professor McGonagall.

She had a roast ham on her desk that she had borrowed from professor Olivier.

" _Pork Vitae!"_

And bam, the ham became a living pig that hopped off her desk and began to grunt around the room.

So _that_ was how you brought things back to life. Good to know.

"Works on anything. You all have your snowglobes and snowcube."

It did work on anything as the chaps could see all around them. Students cried ' _Pork vitae'_ and little snowglobes became grunting pigs all around them.

Their snowglobes and cube, however, remained boring snowglobes and cube. McGonagall was by now used to them not performing to their usual excellency.

When class was over she asked them to stay.

"Just what is going on with your powers?" she asked when they were all seated. "This is unacceptable. You're lagging behind."

"It's this snowman we made," said James. "We brought it to life in time for the ball and she's been draining us ever since."

"If you don't do something about it soon your future will be very, very uncertain."

"We're working on it."

"It doesn't show."

"You're so wise and experienced what do you propose then?" said Sirius, ever so slightly sarcastically. "Mam."

"I propose that you break your wands."

Was that some messed up joke?

"Break our wands?"

"Break them, snap them. Cut off the power link."

"You can't ask that of us!" said James. "A wizard's wand is like his..."

"Like his what? They're of no use to you now."

She was asking too much. A wizard's wand was like his...

They were very attached to their wands, as was every magic person.

"Whatelse do you propose?" Sirius asked. "So wise and experienced. I'm sure you can think of more things."

"Then I propose you stop attending my classes and start attending Miss Prodding's classes instead."

Miss Prodding the squib tutor? Not even Peter was forced to attend her classes! Encouraged but not forced.

"Can we think about it?" Remus asked.

"No," said McGonagall. "I want an answer here and now. So what's it going to be? Will you snap your wands or attend Miss Prodding's classes?"

She was trying to scare them into snapping their wands. The chaps knew they were utterly incompetent right now but it was temporary and what she asked was simply too rash.

"Attending Miss Prodding's classes won't solve anything!" Sirius countered.

"It will get you out of my class," said McGonagall. "If you can't keep up with the tasks I give you then you can't stay."  
"I call discrimination!"  
Insert The Good, the Bad and the Ugly theme music here.

"Maybe I will sue."

Ooeeooeeoo wah wah wah.

"You do no longer meet the requirements," said McGonagall. "I do hope you won't take out your disappointment on the entire school."

"Fine," said James. "We'll snap our wands."

"Jolly good. Let's see it then."

"Later."

"You're not walking out that door until you have either snapped your wands or I have scratched you off my list. End of discussion!"  
Wow she sure was stubborn today. The chaps had never liked her less.

This was all too unfair but McGonagall just refused to see this. Never before had he chaps been forced to reflect on how much their wands meant to them. So they didn't work right now but they would work again, they were sure of it. Their wands had been through so much, shared so many fond memories with the hands that weilded them. There was no way any frozen girlfriend of Snape was going to take that away from them!

And so they did the French musketeer thing and asked McGonagall to scratch all of them from her list.

"Padfoot?" said Remus when they were in the corridor outside.

"Moo cow?"

"Remember those bakers that killed those people and stuffed them in peas and made a cannibal cake for the roller rink?"

"None of that rings any bell."

"I think they have Shishi."

"Why do you think that?"

"Because I went to look for that old crone last night and she just seemed to imply it."

"She 'seemed to imply'...?"

"She mentioned these bakers... Hey, can I trouble you for your help?"

"Sure. If I can trouble you for some."

"Of course with what?"

"Some details on what kind of help your looking for?"

"You knew those people, that's my point."

"Why don't we just all go to their huge mansion?" James asked.

"No I got it," said Sirius. "I'll go there, have some profiteroles, nick Shishi, plant some greasy hairs. Standard procedure."

"There are heaps of things that could go wrong! Let's just get out our old costumes, go there, have some profiteroles, nick Shishi and plant some greasy hairs?"

"You forget that we have no magic. Just our sweet tongues. Was that weird?"

"But we have our gadgets, don't we? When we temporarily lost our magic back then it didn't stop us. In a way it was like we've never performed better."

"Speak for yourself. But I was great."

The thought had never occurred to them that they would become The MisMen so soon after the Halloween incident. But the anonymity did seem useful, as did the gadgets and roller blades and butt masks.

"The place has all this security stuff," said Remus. "Can't just roll through the gates."

"Oh you've seen it?" Sirius asked.

"Erm... I would assume it has all this security stuff. Yes I went to check it out as soon as I heard they had Shishi, just to see what the secuity was like."

He seemed to be withholding information again. He clutched the side of his head.

"Ow my head...So weird..."

But James and Sirius let it slide.

The question was if they had any immunity potion left. As they recalled it they had never finished it all.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

After a thirty minute busride from Hogsmead and a twenty minute walk from the busstation the chaps found themselves at the gates to Briar Rose, a grand mansion so posh it had a unique adress.

They looked like creeps in their long brown coats, fedoras and hands in their pockets.

They also had to look like hovering ghosts in their long coats and roller blades.

Hello there seemed to be a good prank to be derived from this fact...

The gates were ablaze with a dark fire that was common in parts like this as well as a doorphone.

"Should we look for another way in?" James asked.

"Yes, or..." said Sirius and pressed the doorphone button, holding it in.

A stuffy butler voice spoke:

 _The Lestrange residence. Who is this?_

"Come on!" Sirius whispered.

"Er..." said James, needing a moment to get in character. "Ok."

He put his face closer to the doorphone.

"Hello, darling. This is Elton John."

Uncanny. Just uncanny, Sirius thought.

" _Elton John?_ The _Elton John?"_

"The one and only. This honky cat is just out hoppin and boppin in the country, fishing in a stream. And I got lost, you see. It's like trying to find gold in a silver mine."

How did he even know the words to so many of his songs?

"No impersonator can be this good! Unless... You're a Polly-Elton."

"Me, a Polly-Elton? Raisin cain I spit in your eye! If I was a Polly-Elton would I say this? LOOBILOOBILOOBILOOBILOO!"

"I suppose not. Ok, I guess you really are the real Elton John! Just wait and I will open the gates for your big flashy car!"  
"Thank you ever so much, sweetheart!"  
There was a click and then Sirius let go of the button.

"Why is your Elton John always so flamboyant and swishy?" he asked.

"It's what he's like. Why are you always so flamboyant and swishy?"

"Because it's what all the heterosexual rockstars are like for some reason."

The flames disappeared and the gates opened. The chaps rolled through the garden to the side of the house where they could hide for a moment.

"Mr John?" called a man from the door. "Mr John? Hello?"

The chaps whispered amongst themselves in the meantime.

"Now what?" James asked.

"I don't know. If Elton John was here that would be a good diversion," said Sirius.

"It sure would."

"That's why Wormtail should go and pretend to be Elton John!"

"Me?" said Peter.

"But he can't do the impression," said Remus. "Right?"

"I got it!" said James.

He took Sirius's Chenille scarf and wired it around Peter's neck and nose.

"There! Now you look like a proper diva!"  
"I still feel like there's something missing," said Sirius and put James's glasses on Peter.

"But now I don't see a thing!"

"Use your reading glasses."

"My reading glasses? That's crazy!"

"So crazy it just might work!"  
James managed to fumble his specs back and then put his reading glasses on Peter instead.

"Nobody make me do any reading tonight."

Now disguised Peter was instructed to go to the door, which he did clumsily on his rollerskates.

"Mr Elton John! Is that you Mr John?" said the man at the door.

Peter did not say a word.

"Are you quite alright? Oh, are you saving your voice? I quite understand! Do come in for some profiteroles and Cointreau!"  
The door closed. The remaining chaps rolled clumsily to the front porch. Sirius knocked on the door. A different person opened.

"Who are you?"

"We're with Elton John. Our tour bus ran into a ditch or something."

"Really? I'd have to be pretty idiotic to believe that! What's that your wearing over your faces?"  
Sirius took of his coat and fedora and knocked the man out with his rubber chicken.

"Misman Eggnog, don't let the _tandoori_ hit you on the way out!"

Eh it was ok but he had really spent his best ones.  
Another man as well as a woman were coming down the stairs now. James unleashed his fingertraps on the former, lifted him mid-air and dropped him o headfirst on an expensive vase.

"Misman Springroll. Revenge is a dish bets served _sweet and sour!_  
Then finally it was Remus's turn to take on the final person. He opened his can of mixed nuts that really contained bubblegum constrictors and unleashed them on the lady. She stood no chance.

All he needed to do now was to say a catchphrase and then the chaps could begin their search for Shishi.

"Misman Pistachio-"

"Macadamia," Sirius reminded him.

"Don't bite off more than you _cashew.."_

"Bless you." said James.

"You and your biting!" said Sirius.

"Sometimes you're a right pain in the marzipan." said Remus.

"So sorry I didn't mean to step on your tail mix."

"Don't stand here and waste good catch phrase material!" said James. "Let's have some of that immunity potion now."

"I sure hope we got the right one," said Sirius, and passed around an un-labeled flask he had taken from their box of un-labeled flasks because it looked right.

When all three had had a dose of immunity potion it was time to look for Shishi while the Butler was being entertained by Elton John. But where could he be?

"Think," said James. "Where would people like these keep slimy river imps? If only I could get in the mind of _people like these_!"

"Don't pretend you've never heard of a dungeon," said Sirius.

Of course James had heard of dungeons, as had anybody who had ever played Wizard's Cluedo. And Wizard's Cluedo had also taught the chaps that the entrance to the dungeon was always in the kitchen.

And so they went to the kitchen and down the stairs but alas no kappa in sight.

"Maybe we're going about this the wrong way," said Sirius. "I wish I could get in the mind of _people like these_!"

And therefor they went to look for the study next because if kappa owners had taught them anything it was that they were show-offy nerds 100% of the time.

And lo, there was an enormous fish tank in the study on the second floor where Shishi swam around, looking no less content here than anywhere else.

"Maybe," said Remus, "this is where he'd rather be."

"Tough," said Sirius, already smashing the glass with this boomerang chicken.

Shishi came pouring out with the tank water and broken glass. An expensive carpet was ruined.

"Ok do your thing so we can get out."

Remus opened a plastic ball that had once contained some slime or a bouncy ball, hesitating.

"There's no point. The arm is gone."

The chaps would have gladly tugged every drawer in sight, but somebody spoke.

"Well, well, well..."

The strange voice made their blood freeze and the chaps turned to find the very three people they had knocked out only minutes ago.

And they had pets. Two monstrous wolves dribbling puddles on the already wet carpet, their teeth so huge they could barely fit inside their jaws. Their coats were almost entirely white because of the winter and their tales were very tufted.

Such tuft. How was that even possible?

The answer seemed to be in the blinking iron collars around their necks.

"If it isn't the... Mischief Managers, was it?" said one man. "Not so long time no see."

"Tsk, tsk, tsk," said the other man. "Breaking and entering, vandalism, theft. Not sure we can let you get away with this. Meet Andrew and Sarah."

"Nice to meet you," said James to Andrew and Sarah. .

"No, the wolves are Andew and Sarah," said not-Andrew.

Oh, right. He had just expected them to be called something unfortunate like Wulfric and Luna Monday.

"Andrew and Sarah are starved. Try to use your gadgets and you will be shredded tissue before you even moved. But maybe we'll let you live. If..."

If what?

"I you take off your masks."  
Take their masks off? No way! They would sooner die than take their masks off because they were dramatic like that.

But what choice did they have? If they refused they'd be shredded tissue.

Defeated, the chaps removed their masks, feeling great resignation. This was the most humiliated they had ever been.

The evil residents of Briar Rose exchanged puzzled looks and whispers.

"Triplets?"

"That is the ugliest set of triplets I have ever seen."

"I know that face," said the woman. "He was with us when we broke into the Museum of Relics to get the Master's Ring. He's a postulant."

"Did he have his brothers with him?"

The chaps looked at each other and understood what was going on here.

They hadn't had any immunity potion at all! They had all taken Snape-Polly!

"I can explain," said James, not really needing to make an impression because his closed nostrils did that for him.

He could not explain a thing, 'though.

"Alright go on," said one of the wizards.

"You see...I wanted to create an army. An army of Snape's."

"Why?"

"To counter stupidity. And so I cloned myself. Using a potion."

"Why have you and your clones dressed up as the Mischief Managers and made such a mess here?"  
"Fool! Sorry. Obviously I am the Mischief Managers."  
"You? You're saying you and your clones mooned us at the museum, while at the same time you were with us at the museum?"

"Ah..."

"Ignore my clone," said Sirius. "I'm the real Snape. The clone that was with you then was just one of my clones, for keeping up appearances. Those were my glorious butts you saw."

"How dare you? I'm the real Snape!"  
"No I'm the real Snape!"

"No I'm the real Snape!"

"No I'm the real Snape!"

They went on like that for a while. Then they looked back at Remus.

"No, I'm the real Snape," he said.

"No I'm the real Snape!"  
"Silence! If you don't explain what side you're on you will be dog food! Why are you a member of this childish and antagonistic wannabe supergroup? It doesn't make any sense!"  
Very good questions. The chaps were working out an answer in their minds.

"I wanted the Master's Ring," said Remus. "If I pretended to be a bunch of masked people on the side of the law doing good things nobody would ever think to suspect me. I thought I was a genious. The ring would have been mine, had it not been for The Cape."  
"Oh I see. I think I understand now. You wanted to be like the Dark Lord and the Grand Sorcier, didn't you? You wanted to challenge the great Dark Wizards for the title."

"Yes. But having been caught I now realise I have so much left to learn."

"How very Scarlet Pimpernel of you, to behave like such buffoons to avoid suspicion."  
"I owe it all to my clones for doing such a splendid job."

"Who are you calling clone? I'm the real Snape!" said Sirius.  
"No I'm the real Snape!" said James.

"That's quite enough. So when you couldn't have the ring you decided you wanted my kappa instead, is that it?"

"Pretty much."

The residents didn't look so satisfied with the exposition. They clearly wanted a more elaborate explanation as to why the Snapes would go through the trouble of messing down their house for a watery molester. The chaps were struggling to think of a villainous motivation.

"You clearly figured out our evil plan," said the woman, now twirling a slimy little arm around. "and thought that if you took our kappa you'd look like heroes stopping the bad guys. In reality you simply wanted it as your own dark body guard to accompany you in future attempts at the ring. You couldn't break into the Hogsmead Zoo because then you'd risk becoming a wanted criminal."

"Exactly," said James. "Sounds so stupid now."

"It sure does because it is."  
"I'm fascinated by how you clones take turn speaking."

"I should do the speaking I'm the real Snape!"

"No I'm the real Snape!" said Sirius.

No me! No me!

"Silence! Now the question is...what do do with you..," said the woman.

And what she wanted to do was throw the chaps in the tower for the night and have the Dark Lord deal with them in the morning.


	18. Chapter 18

DECEMBER 18 WEDNESDAY

When Peter woke up he was alone in the dorm, and the other chaps were never up this early

Peter had his breakfast alone, too, his dormies weren't there either.

It was his first day of squib class and he had to attend it without them.

He found Miss Prodding's classroom deep in the dungeons and had to sit at the front because all the desks in the back were taken. Peter unpacked his notebook, not knowing what to expect. Miss Prodding was a plumpy woman so she was either maternal or vicious.

"Right then," she said sweetly, closing the door at the precise moment the clock struck eight. "There seems to be nobody else joining us today."

She took a whip from the wall.

"We have a new student with us today. Say hello to Peter everybody!"

The class mumbled something inaudibly, looking only at their desks. Miss Prodding slashed her whip.

"I said _SAY HELLO!"_

"Hello!" cried the students now with fear.

Great. She was vicious. Peter had no idea what she had planned, but it seemed to involve a tall cabinet with a single door and several thin gaps. Miss Prodding let her eyes glide over her class.

"Now then, Kenneth."

"Y-yes, Miss Prodding?" stuttered a freckled chap.

"Could you come and stand in the cabinet, please?"

Kenneth trembled all the way to the cabinet. When Miss Prodding opened it for him Peter saw that it was completely empty. Kenneth stepped into the cabinet and Miss Prodding closed the door on him.

"Now I would like a volunteer..."

A girl with rosy cheeks and a bright smile put up her hand. Miss Prodding warmed up when she saw her.

"Nina."

"Yes, Miss Prodding?"

"Do you think you could stick these metal blades in the gaps?"

"Yes, Miss Prodding!"

Nina skipped to the front of the classroom, took three metal blades from Miss Prodding and began to insert them. Kenneth screamed inside the cabinet, until he screamed no more.

"Is he dead, Miss Prodding?" Nina asked.

"Oh _no,_ love," Miss Prodding assured her. "Kenneth is fine as long as the blades aren't removed."

Peter didn't want to stay here for another second. He put up his hand now, to much gasping.

"Yes?" said Miss Prodding.

"I have to go to the bathroom."

"You will have to wait for the break."

Miss Prodding pushed the cabinet with Kenneth aside, making room for a large and blood stained wheel with four leather straps.

"Can I throw the knives?" Nina asked.

"Yes, of course," said Miss Prodding. "But who do we strap to the wheel? Peter!"

Peter had not opened his desk fast enough.

"Y-yes, Miss Prodding?"

"Come up here so I can strap you to the wheel."

Peter trembled so badly he could barely walk.

"I really have to go to the bathroom," he said while Miss Prodding loosened the straps.

"On the break," said Miss Prodding. "Step on this ladder below the wheel here."

Peter did so. "I'm sick. I'm going to throw up."

"You don't look sick. Put up your arms."

What was Peter to do to get out of certain death?

What could he _possibly_ say to get out of this? What was the most _upsetting_ thing he could think of?

Miss Prodding took his right arm and threaded the hand through the first strap.

"I wonder if we should put up your lovely hair, I'd hate to see stains on it..."

"I'm a werewolf!"

Miss Prodding stared at him, utter repulsion in her eyes. She was going to throw him out, Peter knew it.

Miss Prodding turned to her class.

"Take ten minutes. No, make it twenty."

It took less than ten seconds for the students to flood out, relieved to get out of Miss Prodding's classroom for two reason. Peter began to regret his lie. Was Miss Prodding going to do something terrible to him?

Miss Prodding closed the door and locked it well.

"So," she said, "You're a werewolf, are you? Well, I just want to say that I find your kind absolutely detestable! Unholy! Wicked! And very, very," She ripped her blouse open.. "naughty!"

Often had Peter been this afraid, but being chased by an undressing woman was new. He could not understand this at all, until he remembered that he looked like Roy. Miss Prodding was so keen on getting her hands on him he had to fend himself off with a chair, trying to think of a way out of this.

"D-did I s-say w-w-werewolf? I _meant_ to say-"

"Come here you ffffilthy _...!"_

Peter tried to come up with something properly scary. Something so scary it didn't matter how pretty he was.

"I meant to say that I'm an American! Yes! I'm American!"

He needed to put on an accent.

"Howdy, partner?"

Miss Prodding stopped chasing him. Now she looked repulsed for real. Now, instead of lust in her eyes, she had pure hatred.

"Get out!" she hissed. "Get out I said!

"Yes, mam!"

Peter ran to the door, trying to avoid Miss Prodding's whip.

"I don't ever want to see you again! Why won't you yanks leave South America alone?"

Why indeed, Peter wished those yanks would leave South America alone, too.

He was so relieved when he made it to the bright entrance hall, at least until he ran into Professor McGonagall.

"Good day," she said. "Break?"

"Yes mam," Peter replied.

"Where are your, uhm, friends?"

"I don't know."  
"What do you mean you don't know?"

"I haven't seen them all morning I swear. I haven't seen them since last night."

"You mean they decided they would simply rather leave Hogwarts than attend Miss Prodding's classes? Is that what you're telling me? Go and get them right now!"  
"But I don't know where they are!"  
"Get them or I will punish you!"  
McGonagall would not stop glaring until he had gone away.

Peter ran to the dorm, where he had to guess where the other chaps could be since he had no clue. He had last seen them in Briar Rose and he just saw no alternative to starting his search there.

And he so did not want to go back and write songs with the butler.

But having no choice he put on is Misman outfit and the brown coat and fedora over it, as well as the scarf. He pressed the button on the doorphone an hour later.

"Hello? Hello? Who is this?"

He recognised the butler's voice. But Peter couldn't speak! This wasn't going to work at all!

"Is this Mr Elton John?" asked the butler.

Peter nodded frantically. "Mmm!"  
"Welcome back Mr Elton John!"

The flames went out and the gates opened. The butler stood at the door ready to welcome Peter into the mansion two minutes later.

"So glad you returned with feedback on my songs, like you promised! Shall we sit down in the salon?"

"Mmm!"  
And so that's what they did. They sat down in the nice salon.

"I thought of what you said last night," said the butler. "About how my songs aren't inspired by my life enough. So here's a song I wrote last night. Ahemhemhem!"

 _I'm a chap in rollerskates_

 _Just hoppin and boppin,_

 _I shall be food for the Dark Lord_

 _Here is sit in the tallest tower_

 _Waiting for the Dark Lord, but the Dark Lord is waiting for his attorney to return his calls so it might take days._

 _"_ That's all so far. What do you think?"

Chap in rollerskates in the tallest tower?

If only Peter could express what a good song he thought it was!  
"Mmm!" he nodded, approving.

"I am so glad you like it! Ok, here's another one I found..."

After two hours of listening to texts nowhere near as good as _Chap In Rollerskates,_ the butler asked Peter if he was hungry. Peter was hungry.

"I'll be back with some sandwiches and tea," said the butler.

While alone in the room Peter began to ponder just where in this mansion the other chaps could be, if they were. If only there was some sort of clue...

Then he began to interpret that song.

 _Chap?_ The chaps were chaps! _Food?_ They ate food! _Here I sit?_ He had seen them sit lots of time!

They were sitting in a place that had food! The kitchen!

"Ok I'm back!" said the butler, pushing himself through the door, carrying a tray.

Peter took off his brown coat and fedora and squirted the butler in the eyes with his boob apron.

"Misman Latte, no _udder!"_

"I'm blind! I'm blind!"  
Peter ran to the kitchen, he could always find a kitchen. But the chaps weren't there so he followed the stairs to the dungeon. But they weren't there either so he took the other stairs to the tower.

A woman was coming down the stairs, right towards him. She stopped when she saw him.

"Another clone! Well, you'll never get this!" She took a slimy little arm from her robes. "And you'll never free your clones from this tower!"  
She raised her wand. Terrified Peter squeezed his apron boobs.

"My eyes!" cried the woman, falling down the stairs and dropping the kappa arm.

Now he needed another catchphrase. He had only thought of the one.

"Misman Latte doesn't lack toes!"

Then he thought that since he had come all this way, and he apparently had clones in there for some reason, he wanted to see them. And so he began to pump the keyhole full of asses milk. He squeezed and squeezed until the lock exploded and the door unhinged.

"I found you!" he said, waking up the chaps that sat on the cold and damp floor, napping under their buttmasks.

"Wormtail is that you?" James asked.

"It's me!"  
"Wow. You came all this way, unhinged the door and you have the arm, too. I'm almost impressed."

He was almost impressed! Peter flushed, his heart beat twice as fast, he pictured himself in a wedding dress.

Now they could go.

They had some people to free from collars first but then they could go!


	19. Chapter 19

DECEMBER 19 THURSDAY

Miss Prodding was bonkers and squib class was stupid.

"This is stupid..," Sirius muttered.

"What was that?" asked Miss Prodding. "Perhaps you would like to come and stand in the cabinet?"

Sirius had encountered all sorts of things in cabinets so he wasn't afraid of cabinets, not that he had ever been afraid of cabinets.

It was a little short for him so he had to hunch. Miss Prodding closed the door and began to stick razor sharp blades betwen gaps.

"Not so stupid now, is it? Bet you wish you knew a thing or two about escape artistry!"  
Students cried. Blood ran from the gaps.

"Now, children!" said Miss Prodding, sinister. "Let this be a lesson to you! Don't call my class _stupid!"_

She opened the door to much gasping. Because it was completely empty, except for the blades.

"I don't understand..," she said, sticking her head in. "Everybody else has died..."

"Can I go next?" James asked, hopped in the cabinet and came out in the chamber of laundry.

There he found Sirius digging in a dirty laundry basket- strange sight since he was such a posh toff- sticking paper in pockets. Because it looked fun James began to stick paper in dirty trouser pockets, too.

"Hello," said Remus when he came out from the drying cabinet. "Is the panto today?"

"At six," Sirius replied.

"Did you get to do your ukulele solo?" James asked.

"I'm still doing it. But there's a free part if anyone's interested..."

"Isn't it a little late for casting?"

"Roy was supposed to be the genie. But he hasn't showed up at the rehearsals. It's strange, I don't think I've seen him since before the yule ball. It's like he disappeared around the time Wormtail was turned into an identical copy."

"Well, we all know how he gets when somebody wears the same shoes as him."  
"It must be very upsetting for him, to have a clone steal half his thunder. I feel like I should see him... And bring a box of stickers and let him choose one sticker."

"Perhaps Wormtail can fill in for him, since he already looks the part. How difficult is this role?"

"Not very. The genie just has to appear in puffs of smoke and say: 'I'm the genie!' and 'Granted!'. We had to cut a lot of the lines because Roy doesn't 'do' 'remembering lines'. He's an 'improviser'."

And so they set off to search for Peter. They found him outside behind the kitchen, nibbling on cheese. 'Roy' was already pudging up.

The real Roy would cry so hard.

"Hello guys," he said.

"I just still can't believe you stuck your boob in the keyhole and made it explode with asses milk," said Sirius who found it a lot easier to be nice to him when he was pretty.

Peter swelled with pride and cheese.

"That sure was brave of you to return to the mansion and blind two people!"  
"It was nothing!" said Peter. "I laugh in the face of danger!"

He was so happy to receive praise for once in his life he couldn't contain his cheese. The approval he had always sought, here it was now! It was finally happening!

"Miss Prodding didn't ask for you at all today," said James. "Just how did you get out of squib class?"

"I said I was a werewolf!"

The temperature seemed to drop and go up at the same time.

"You what?" said Sirius.

"I mean, at _first_ I asked: what's the most upsetting thing I can think and-"

"You're just a horrible person."

Peter became red in the face.

"What?"

"Have you no feelings? Is this some joke to you?"

"No, no, no! What I _meant_ was-"

Sirius put his arms around Remus.

"So all that nice is just pretend because you're too much of a wimp to say what you really think? After the hours he puts into the hopeless task of helping you keep up? And then behind his back it's all 'watch out for grandma!' Is that it?"

"No!"

"Toiling and toiling and for what? Heartless remarks like 'hide your picnic baskets!' Like, is that supposed to be _funny?_ "

"I've never said that!"

"Put up your bricks the transvestite's coming!"

"Huh?"

"You are so transphobic."

"Padfoot?" said Remus.

"Ignore the little pig he's not worth the huff."

"You are _so_ right."

Remus uncapped a permanent marker and began to draw penises allover Sirius's face.

"Well, it worked and that's what matters," said James.

"You didn't let me finish," said Peter. "I told Miss Prodding that because I thought she'd be afraid and want me to leave, ok? But instead she made the class leave and me stay. And then she took her top off. And so I said to her: werewolf? I meant American! And that's when she chased me out of the classroom, blaming me for 9/11! Like I was there when they overthrew the Chilean government! But it worked."

Americans, werewolves... Both misrepresented by bad eggs and loathed, unless they were pretty. But such was life.

XXXXXXXXXXX

The great hall began to fill up for the panto. James wondered what was keeping Remus when he showed up, last minute.

"Has it started?"

"No. Where have you been?"

"Er..."

"Up your beanstalk?"

"Yes."

"What were you doing up there?" He wasn't interrogating him, he was just asking out of casual interest.

"Er..."

"Growing stalks on top of other stalks?"

"Yes. I told you that, didn't I?"

Again he seemed like he was withholding something.

Remus winced, and looked around, confused.

"Where was I just now?"

"Up your...beanstalk?"

"Oh right."

Had his brain really been truly messed up this time? No, for _real?_

"You really should get your head checked," said James.

"I will, after the panto."

Or should he really? Could James get in trouble if he did?

"Although..."

"What?"

"No. Do it."

"I was such an idiot messing with my mind like that."

"When exactly did you do such a thing?"

"A while back I wanted to extract some memories. I was fine, until just a week ago or something. Could it be something else?"  
"That was hugely idiotic. But no one's immune to idiocy."  
"No."

Except for chicks.

The panto started and Sirius literally stole the show as the widow Twankey and with his ukulele. It was quite rude of him. He even stole scenes he wasn't supposed to be in, just by showing up and talking over the others. And Peter... He gave his best as the genie. Perhaps it was too much to ask, for him to not confuse his two lines. Cas played princess Jasmine and the prince was played by some older chap.

"Genie, can you grant me the wish of love?" said Cas as Jasmine.

"I'M THE GEENIE," Peter replied.

And in another scene the prince said:

"Who are you?"

"GRANTED," Peter replied.

When the cast gathered at the end to perform a song together, Sirius whipped out his ukulele and performed _Diamonds Are a Girl's Best Friend_ instead. He really gave this role his all. It was one of his bucket list roles and the next one was Sherlock Holmes.


	20. Chapter 20

DECENBER 20 FRIDAY

Home sweet home. The Express chuffed away on the rails. The chaps passed the time playing Exploding Go Fish.

"No, I got the fish joker..," said James, so very disappointed.

His hand (of cards, not actual hand) became a silvery cod that jumped back into the ocean of cards on the fold out table between the seats. He picked up seven new ones.

Then it was Sirius's turn. He took a card, hoping for the Queen of Salmons.

"No, I got the fish joker..."

His collected books (card term, not actual books) exploded, leaving behind the foul stench of rotten fish and him in last place. He'd never catch up now.

Remus had a very undramatic turn of the game and so did Peter.

"The fish joker again. This isn't the rigged deck, is it?" said James.

"No. Go Fish Yourself," said Sirius because he got the Ace of Cods. The cod jumped out of his card and turned the cards in the hands of the other chaps into cods.

They swore.

"Oh no," said Peter.

"Fffffuck!" said James.

"Mbflfmmbflmmbflmmblm," said Remus.

Because he had a wooly scarf wrapped to the nosetip.

"Aren't you warm?" Sirius asked.

Remus pushed the scarf below his chin.

"What's that?"

"Aren't you warm?"

"No."

They continued the game. Sirius was now in the lead, but he lost that position quite soon when James used his fish pope powers.

Sirius still thought it was hot in the compartment and opened a window despite it being minus some centigrades outside. A puffy little owl came flying in, unfamiliar to the chaps. It seemed to have gotten lost and fluttered around like a blind bee hitting everything _besides_ the window gap.

Like most little birds and cute woodland critters it seemed particularly fond of Remus because he was such a princess.

Remus was not fond of the owl however, oh no.

As soon as he saw it his fingertips sprouted razorsharp claws and he slashed it into feathery shreds and blood.

It happened in a flash and a flash later his nails were cut short according to school rules and he sat looking at his cards in the exact same position as before, as if that crazy outburst had somehow occurred outside of time.

"What the hell was that?" said Sirius, quite, well, shocked.

"What was what?"

'What was what'? Did not the Jackson Pollack of bird blood and feathers on the walls speak for itself?

"What happened in here? Hang on..."

He began to dig around in his mouth, and found a small feather.

"Weird..."

The express whistled and began to slow down. They had now reached Oldshed, where Remus lived. He put his coat on, and his bag over his shoulder.

Could he really be allowed to get off on his own?

"What?" he said. "Why are you staring? You're making me nervous."

 _They_ were making _him_ nervous?

The train stopped.

"Ok, I guess I have get off now..," he said, pushing the door open.

"You don't _have_ to get off now," said James.

"I live here."

"You're a free person, free to get off wherever you want."

"Right. Ok, see you. Happy christmas."

And then he was gone from the compartment.

Somehow it seemed wrong to let him go, but what were the chaps to do? They had always scoffed at the idea that he posed any real danger but in their defense he had never actually slashed any owls in front of them before.


	21. Chapter 21

DECEMBER 21 SATURDAY

Sirius was dreaming of ice maidens and bean stalks and slashed owls. Then his head exploded and he woke up in the wee hours of the morning (10 am) to the sound of a klaxon in his ear.

"You're wanted in the study!" Reggie screamed over the alarm.

Sirius wringed the klaxon from his hand and Reggie ran out of the room to avoid having his arm twisted.

"Do you want to build a snowman?" he asked outside the door.

No Sirius didn't want to build a bleeding snowman he was well sick of snowmen by now. Besides, he was wanted in the study.

If he was wanted in the study he'd go to the study. But first, shower.

And hour later he was in the study. But seeing as there was nobody here he saw no point in hanging around.

Then the two most horrible people in the world came into the study.

"Sit," said the woman who was allegedly his birthgiver.

What did she care if he sat or not? Did she want him to be comfortable? Of course not. People who told others to sit were bossy opressers, as if Sirius couldn't decide whether or not he felt like sitting. She just wanted to throw orders around and feel important and see what impact she had. Well, Sirius would stand if he wanted to!

But he did sit down.

"And _don't_ do it in a huff! _Don't_ slouch!"  
And _what_ are you wearing? _When_ did you last get your hair cut? _And_ so forth.

The problem wasn't that Sirius's hair was a little on the longer side, it was the fact that he blow dried it. And liked to glam himself up a bit. It was totally normal. Older generations just did not understand that.

"Is _that_ nail polish?!"  
And now she was hassling him about his perfect nails, too and replying would only yeild more screaming. There was only one way to deal with audio-terrors like her: by thinking of a really catchy song.

 _Doctor's orders saying there's only one thing for me..._

" _Everydaaay! A loving spoonful to be taken.."_

"What?"

"Nothing."

Had they really sent for him for this? To hassle him about his nails?

Actually, no. In this most ancient household his mum knew to be quiet when his father signed for it with the raising of a hand.

"Care to explain," he said, "why you're taking squib classes?"

Oh, _that._ Right. No he did not care to explain that much. He cared to put his father in a frock and shove him back in the closet whenceforth he came.

They could have written him some angry howler, just to warn him. But of course, that would have warned him. Sirius just couldn't believe McGonagall had actually told them! She really did her teachy duties sometimes.

"Uhm... I think it might be a flu."

His father gripped his marblewood, scorpion tail, tighter and Sirius began to convulse. He struggled to breath. Snakes were crawling up his throat from his stomach and out his mouth. He had to get down on the floor. Feeling sick and close to suffocating he began to tear up.

"And if I ask you again?"

Sirius would still not be able to tell him because he had snakes crawling inside of him, trying to see the light of day ands swearing like sailors. _I'm free, I'm free! That was ruddy dark in 'ere wasn'it mates? Oh yeah!_ They hissed, quite Britishly.

A few snakes hissed: _Liberté! Égalité! Fraternité!, Vive La Resistance!_ and other stereotypically French things.

"It's this ice woman!" Sirius confessed in a clear-throated moment.

The snakes disappeared.

"Go on."  
"I made this ice woman. She's been draining all my power and then she ran off."

"Was it an assignment?"

Sirius lied a bit because he wanted to keep family and school separate when he could.

"I did it to kill all the squibs, funnily enough."

He also said what they wanted to hear, but he had to be careful not to stray from the realm of plausibility. He wasn't a fan of squibs but his parents weren't idiots. Sirius could have done a far better job at keeping up appearances.

"It was Denny Crool's idea. She wanted to kill all the squibs and left all the work to me."

He could feel their skepticism. Could they really believe this?

The horrible birthgiver sighed.

"Perfect. Just what we need, and in time for Yule, too. Our son is a lowly squib! I've never been so ashamed in my life! If this got out I would simply die!"

Then she fell into fits of sobbing. At least Sirius knew how to put her out of her misery.

"Go and get a hold of yourself," said his father.

And so his mum left the study, sobbing loudly and trumpeting her nose in a handkerchief. Sirius got off the floor and back on the chair.

"Ok then," said his father. "Any idea where this ice woman might be?"

"No."

"None?"

"None. Really."

His father twirled his marblewood. He was just looking for excuses.

"I always like to make sure, as you know."

There was nothing else Sirius could say. He didn't know and that was the truth, but the truth wasn't enough. He couldn't think of a lie he could make himself believe first quickly enough.

Juice put his head through the door. He was staying for the holiday.

"Hey Ri," he said. "Got a minute?"

"I'm in the middle of something."

"Oh ok."

He began to close the door, but then he opened it again.

"Hey."  
"What?"

"Where do you keep the linen?"

"We have house elves."

"I know!" Juice laughed. "Practically unheard of in Boston!"  
"Go back to Boston then."

"Very well. I shall respect your system."

"Thank you."

Second time he was back before he had even gone.

"Hey?"

" _What?"_

"Is the hunt still on?"

"What hunt?"

"The one we scheduled per owl post. We said we'd go hunting today. You got to choose the date because of your busy court schedule."

"Was it today?"

"Yes. Has something come up?"

"As a matter of fact yes. Something has come up."

"Is it terrible urgent?"

"I think so."

Here was rescue now, so very close. Couldn't he wait a day and go out and hunt some muggles? He deserved a day out he worked so hard, damn it!

"We'll postpone it," said Juice.

"I think it's best."  
"No!" said Sirius. "It's time you did something for yourself for once! Hey, can I come?"

"You? And what would you do in your current state?"

"Set fire to buildings and block all entrances."

"What a great idea!" said Juice.

"No," said his father. (Sirius's, not Juice's. Incest here did not extent beyond marrying cousins, which was something.)

"Besides," said Sirius, "do you really want to stay here and put up with You-Know-Who all day, when you could be out getting fresh air and let out some of that marital steam?"

"You're making an excellent point," said his father. "Well done. But I'll take You-Know-Who."

Then they heard Sirius's mum's anguised wail from another room.

"Or maybe I will go out and pretend the muggles are her."

"I'm so glad!" said Juice and left to get changed.

Sirius wasn't extremely proud of himself. By temporarily escaping abuse he was only putting himself in deeper trouble. It was cowardly _and_ dumb, just the worst combination possible.

"It will do you good," said his father, now going over some old family wands and opting for a Sycamore, scarab shell. "Take this."

Sirius did so. The Sycamore was really nice. It had probably put out many squib lights.

"Give me your old wand. You don't need it."

"I'd still like to keep it."

"I just want to have a look."

Despite it's practical uselessness Sirius still kept the Ebony on him at all times. He let his father have it.

And what did he do first thing?

Snap it in half like a twix bar.

"Ok. Let's go."

To have his wand broken was like having something within him broken. After all, a wizard's wand was like his...


	22. Chapter 22

DECEMBER 22 SUNDAY

Last night after hunting Sirius had hopped on the midnight train going anywhere.

The midnight train did not go anywhere, but to Oldshed.

He had tried to get hold of James all night, but to no avail.

Now his smart glass buzzed in his pocket.

 _Bambi to Lady do you copy over._

Sirius checked his smart-glass, as well as his mascara.

"Lady copies over."

"You copied?"

"I'm going to Oldshed, I thought you might want to come, too."

"Now?"

"Is now a problem?"

"Christmas is on Wednesday."

"So?"

"I just got home. I haven't seen my family for ages."

"You've seen them now haven't you?"

"I have promised to partake in all these preparations and town activities and stuff."

"Oh, were you punished, too?"

"Yeah... My mum took my smart-glass but I'm doing all that partaking willingly. I know you've found it very easy to cut the cord, but I like being home. Although I probably should come with you to Oldshed. You're going because of that incident, aren't you?"

"Um yes but it's not like I know what to do or say. But I'm also curious to see if there's any jelly bean stalk up anywhere..."

"What could we do or say? It's not like we can babysit him."

"Sure we can. Oh, you mean with him liking it? Then no."

"Do you think it's our fault? Could we really have messed up so badly?"

"I'm sure it's nothing."

"I know you're trying to be reassuring but that would actually be worse."

"It's something and I'm determined to find what! Better?"

"Ok. Just don't try to bite off more than you cashew."

"I cashew just fine. I got it, don't worry..."  
"Keep me up to date."

The train arrived in Oldshed station now. Sirius shut his smart-glass and hopped off.

He had seen the jelly bean stalk from the window and he could see it now, somehere in far off plains where no bus routes led. A frosted green with colourful beans, it looked very commercially Yule.

Then it burst into white flames, right before his eyes.

If that was Remus trying to scare off any wicked antagonist with purgatorial flames that would have them transformed into socialist hippies, then how did he do it without a functioning wand?

Sirius still had his ebony halves. Coming to think of it, he hadn't feel this energised in a while.

"Persian rug! Persian rug!" cried a distinctively Middle Eastern looking man in a turban on the street. "Flying persian rug! So cheap I'm practically giving it away!"  
"Are you giving it away?"

"I'm giving it away!"

"Ok could you give it away to me?"

"Here you are my boy take it I beg of you!"

"Ok thank you sir."

The strange man ran away. Sirius was glad to have this mode of transportation for free. That meant he could give the Sycamore to a beggar just to spite his father.

"And also," he said. "You are now a prince!"  
He used the Ebony bits, not sure if it would actually work but it did work. The beggar became a handsome prince. Of where he wasn't sure, but a definite prince.

The beggar-turned-prince was beyond himself with joy and ran to find a princess.

So things had worked out great so far. Sirius hopped on the rug and soared beside the Oldshed river, in the direction of the flaming jelly bean stalk.

As the rug made a turn for the white plains he pondered what his regained power did to Wendy. If they all snapped their wands would she simply explode or what?

The foot of the flaming bean stalk put his mind on other things, namely the flaming jelly bean stalk. He could feel the heat very strongly, his eyes burned when he looked at it because he was so very, very wicked. He was so wicked and attached to his wickedness he was afraid of what this fire would do to him, if he touched it. Sad, wasn't it?

But climbing the thing would take forever anyway so he pointed his wand bits at the sky instead. _Propellus!_

Because propellers, what couldn't you do with them?

The flames kept reaching for him as he went up and shooting sparks and no water would quench them. There was only one way past it and that was through it.

His sins flashed before his eyes, he began to fall. The fire became blood red and he saw the pagan devil reaching for his pagan soul in pagan hell! Nooooooo!

Thud.

When Sirius regained consciousness he found himself surrounded by rainbows and angels.

"Hello and welcome to heaven," said an angel. "Judgment is that way."

"Have I died?"

"Yes, yes you have died," replied the angel.

There had to be some mistake. A major mistake.

"And gone to _heaven?"_

"Judgment is that way. You have died. You are dead. You were killed by... let's see...just one moment..."

The angel browsed the book of dead, back and forth.

"No you don't seem to be in here at all..," it said and switched to the book of living. "Ok you're still in here so I guess you're not dead. Must be some mistake. Shall I zap you back to Earth?"

"Could you instead zap me to the nearest bean stalk?"

This had to be the top of the first beanstalk. The second beanstalk was by the rainbow and it was a summer green with ripe beans, no flames. Sirius stood at its foot a zap later.

God had his throne at the second top and the giant his castle on the third. Sirius could hear it snore and saw a herbgarden full of mangled butterflies. Huge butterflies, big as collies.

This was the first stop he actually found interesting and he could not resist going inside and have a look now that the giant was fast asleep. He just had to get up on his giant belly and see how much he could jump on him before he woke up.

There was a smaller bed at the foot of the giant's bed, and a water bowl beside it. It had to be a pet bed. But now Remus had a snooze in it, sleep-playing a concerto in his transverse flute under a blanket of dozing rats.

Gross. Sirius chased them off with the transverse flute.

Remus wasn't wearing the scarf now. He was wearing something else. A collar. A collar from Briar Rose, he had taken it after they had released Sarah and Andrew. And now he was wearing it the other way around.

Sirius shook him. "Wake up."

Remus woke up, rubbed sleep from his eyes, scratched his neck...

"Oh yeah... You probably noticed this."

"Your kinks is none of my business," said Sirius, remembering that space BDSM artwork. "Until we all need to watch out for our owls."

"You don't have an owl. If you did why would you need to watch out for it?"

He really didn't know. Somebody had to break it to him.

"Have you, how do I put this, seen any mangled animal where there wasn't one just a minute ago?"

"I guess I have seen mangled animals where I previously didn't notice any."  
"That was you. I know this to be true because I've seen it happen."  
How would he take this? It had to be difficult to believe.

"I can't always tell when you're sarcastic..."

"I swear I'm not making this up. I know I've been a classic boy who cried over spilled milk but it really is true."

"Right. Forgive me if I don't entertain you. It's just not funny. Now, I didn't mean to fall asleep. I really must get a move on."

Thinking of that collar, it came together for Sirius immediately.

"You're going to blow up the moon."

Since such an act required a fanatic, that meant Remus acted a little cold and unemotional to this accusation, like a fanatic.

"Yes. I've gotten all the necessary tools in such a short time. Are you going to stop me?"

"Should I?"

"Why else does this collar bug you so much?"

"Because it makes you slash owls and butterflies. I have reason to believe. No evidence, 'though."

But it made sense. That collar was a powerful supressing device. If it worked in the reverse remained to be seen, and sure, Sirius was just as curious as anybody. But he could believe that any supressed dark interior would riot against such a thing. It just _sounded_ good and allegorical. Didn't mean that was the case. It could all well still be his fault that Remus's mind had been messed up but he preferred for it to be the collar's fault.

Also, collars were so demeaning!

And now that Remus was somewhat fanatic, that meant he thought he was perfectly sane. The accusation of slashing butterflies and owls irritated him.

"If I play along will you give up that accusation? If it was me I'd know it!"

Then it happened again. He slashed a giant roach in a flash and then he bore the exact same expression and pose as before.

Good thing he only slashed nasty things.

Ok that owl had been cute, that had been upsetting to watch.

"What happened here?" he asked, looking at the mess on the floor.

"Look at your hands."

He did. They were covered in blood and roach remains. Sirius was blood stained too because he had been standing so close.

"I bet you dipped them in the mess!" said Remus, angrily.

"That is _so_ nice to hear you have such a high opinion of me! When have I ever done anything like it? But what else can I expect from you? I'm such a pain in the marzipan!"

"Oh, like you weren't trying!"  
"But of course you're right! This couldn't be you! You're just a _fluffy wuffy squishy wishy cuddly wuddly woowoo!"_ Pinch cheeks.

A flash later and Sirius felt the side of his face sting. The hand that touch it felt wet. Blood.

It didn't take long before Remus rubbed what felt like sandpaper dipped in glass and acid over his face wounds. It took only seconds, but when the painful seconds were over Sirius's face was perfectly smooth, which was a little disappointing. But he still ached under the healed skin.

"I am _so_ sorry," said Remus.

"What for?"

"For doubting you, and then hurting you. You must be so repulsed."

"I'm not repulsed because you doubted me."

"But I hurt you."

" _Sure_ you did..."

"But I did."

"Alright then!"

"You bled from your face and you're still wincing!"

"Whatever you say!"

"Why do you pretend like nothing happened?!"

"I'm not, I just somehow missed the part about this being your fault."

"It was my fault! Who else's fault could it possibly be?"

"It could be my fault..."

"No it couldn't! If I've slashed a bunch of owls how come I didn't just slash you?"

"It was _one_ owl..."

He looked ready to slash him a second time.

"Think about it. If it was you, you'd know."

He still looked ready to slash him a second time.

"I think we should part ways now," said Remus, before he slashed Sirius a second time.

Sirius got up on his feet now.

"We can't do that I'm babysitting you."

"What?"

"So... Do you want to watch a movie?"

"No. Good bye."

"But you believe it was all my fault, then? Ok good."

"Are you punishing me?"

"No!"

"Then why do you play this messed up game?!"

"But it is my fault!"

"How could it posssibly be your fault?"

"Depends on how you look at it, dunnit?"

"Not it doesn't!"  
"It might be my fault, maybe, but then again..." Shrug.

His ears were steaming like a teapot now. Sirius would have to come clean.

"It might be might fault because I might have messed up your head, ok? I hypnotised you to gain access to your brain. It's how we got the enchantment. That's how I excused it but in reality I just wanted to see what you and Mona Weed got up to in the hospital wing."

"Who's Mona Weed?"

Woopsie..

"The point is you became a little weird after that. That's how it could actually be my fault."

"Right. I don't think so."

"It wasn't nice. Do you forgive me?"

"I guess I have to!"

Remus sat down.

"I don't know what's happening. I suppose I better just take this collar off."

"Why do you wear it now?"

"I wanted to try it in a safe environment first. Then I saw no point in taking it off. Until now."

He fiddled with the buckle in the back.

"Why do you take it off now?"

"Isn't it what you want?"

"I'm not your mother. I'm your babysitter. Do you not want to blow up the moon anymore?"

"More than anything."

"If you're going to change your mind don't do it because of guilt."

"Isn't it completely wrong, 'though?"

"How so?"  
"Well people seem to like it! Tidal waves and squirrels and stuff! Sodding gravity..."

Sirius was so surprised to hear this.

"Do you really believe in gravity?" he asked.

"Do you not believe in gravity?"

"You're serious? Sometimes I just take for granted that you know everything I know. Gravity is just a lie invented by Dark Wizards to keep people from interfering with the Trigger."

"I want to believe you. But I'm afraid to."

But it was true. Dark Wizards of the past had done a good job running home the idea that gravity was what kept people from flying into space and made apples far from trees. There really wasn't anything Sirius could do to prove it, because how did you go about proving that the very thing that kept you from flying in to space wasn't really there when the evidence in itself was not flying into space?

"How do people believe in gravity? Nobody can explain it!"

"Isn't it, like, that which makes a thing with mass pull a thing with less mass towards itself?"

"See it doesn't even make any sense!"

"You're right. It doesn't make sense at all!"

Now he looked ready to burst into song.

"So it's really not completely evil, then? Do you really think I should do it?"

"Go for it I'm not a squirrel. All I ask is that you don't put bubblegum there instead."

"Why not what's wrong with bubblegum?"

"The first meteor that comes along will pop it."

"No it won't and over time it will be covered with rocks."

"Ok but at least make it white bubblegum, then."  
"But you know I can't do white bubblegum!"

"Fine we'll just chuck lots of white paint over it then no worries!"

"I don't want to talk to you anymore."


	23. Chapter 23

DECEMBER 23 MONDAY

The news reported of a woman, white as ice, flying across the land in a sleigh kidnapping children.

Did she take them to her castle? Did she eat them?

All James could be sure of was that this was Wendy.

He hadn't heard from Sirius since he had been in touch to tell him to just snap his wand. That was last night. Now Wendy dominated the press, it was Wendy who flied about devouring children on the spot, not intimidated by eye witnesses.

James regretted having not gone to Oldshed with Sirius initially. It was so un-heroic to prioritise putting the decorations on the town christmas tree. But he was here now, at the foot of a flaming jelly bean stalk.

Where was Wendy right now, he wondered. Going after her seemed like it would be time better spent.

He heard somebody screaming above him.

"Aaaaaaaahhh..."  
A large and browl lump of sorts fell from above, James had to step away and pull his scarf over his nose to not be hit by a dung hill.

"Aaaahhhh..," Fletcher continued screaming.

Then _splat._

Great, James thought. Even Fletcher had his trademark spell although it was crap. When would James come up with his? It was just so difficult to beat bubblegum. Everything seemed so onesided in comparison.

"I'm okay!" Fletcher announced as he crawled out of the dung hill with an arm full of radiant halos.

"I'm not staying anywhere near you," said James.

"Will you give me one minute, your _highness?"_

Fletcher zapped away the dung hill and all traces of it on himself and the halos.

"How did you get up there?""

"My beanstalk is on that plain there," said Fletcher, pointing. "But I came down a different stalk. Or rather, the angels chased me down the wrong stalk."

"I just can't think outside the bubblegum machine," said James. "Sirius has Jellify, you have Coprophilus but what about me?"

"Necessity is the inventor of all things. If that's not the exact proverb I'm sure there's one like it. Oh bloody hell what is that?"

He looked paler than a coprophilic fly larva. James looked towards central Oldshed to see what was happening.

A huge creature of ice stomped around the place, eating people as it went along, and grew after each feeding. A wendigo.

Funny because it looked nothing like the wendigos at the roller rink. It looked more like Wendy, magnified ten times.

"Could it be..," James said.

"Could it be what?"

"Could it be that since we snapped our wands it's had to get its power elsewhere? And so it's resorted to eating magic people. But surely that wouldn't turn an animated snowman into a wendigo?"

But then again why not?

There was a dark spot in Wendy's chest, her heart. Except her heart bore the shape of a person, trapped inside her body of ice.

"I'm so scared!" said Fletcher and hid in a dung hill.

"Come on Fletch I need your help!"

"Get someone brave to do it bound to be someone around!"

"You'd be surprised how rare those people are!"

"I'm really not surprised at all."

James couldn't pull Fletcher out of the dung hill because that would put dung on his hands.

"Don't you care about impressing me at all?"

"No!"  
"What about all those people's lives?"

"People get eaten that's life!"  
"Can't you find a sense of courage?"

"You've tried that one before!"

"Look out there's a werewolf out to get you!"  
Fletcher came out of the dung hill faster than a ball from a cannon and hopped on the Ziggy Stardust behind James, soiling it down with all the crap. Nice.

"What are you waiting for? Go! Go! Go!"  
And so that's what they did.

"I can't look. Is it still out to get me?"

"Yep."

"Horrible things! Can't leave a chap alone an average half-moon day! Is it me or has the cycle gotten shorter?"

"Not just you please don't hold on to me."

James had Wendy within aim, her attention turned to her latest victim going down her throat.

 _Pixiaxi!_ Her back began to crack and she turned, enraged. _Pixiaxi!_

"A little help back there?"

"That's ok you just focus on your thing now."

Wendy saw him and disappeared altogether. When James saw her again she was already lifting him in the air, she was going to eat him.

"Well hello, my maker," she said. "I owe you _so_ much."

James couldn't access his wand halves. He felt confined like a mummy in Wendy's hand. She had really grown a lot in such little time, and she was still growing. She grew constantly.

"How's Snape?"

"He'll always be in my heart."  
Below Fletcher was running away, but Wendy caught him and picked him up, dangled him.

"And here's your friend."

" _Well..."_

Wendy did a huge mistake holding Fletcher by his hood. When she opened her mouth to swallow him he squirted dung down her throat.

"Oh god...I'm going to be sick..."

Then he went pixiaxi on her chest, where her greasy heart was.

"Get it out! Get it out!"

Wendy dropped them both, just wanting to get the dung from her mouth.

"You'd think more people would come and help us," said James as he pixiaxied away. Wendy was getting weaker, and constantly bombarded with dung.

"I don't know what people are like in Diagon Alley," said Fletcher. "But this is Oldshed."

Which meant that everybody had gone inside their homes and were looking through blinds.

"Did you know that it was Helga Hufflepuff who introduced badgers to Oldshed?"

"You _don't_ say?"

Finally Wendy began to fall apart in large chunks of ice, and a whole hoarde of victims along with them, all very grateful to be alive and free again. Peter was among them but he must had been devoured in Cheddar where he was from.

"You saved me!" he cried. "You really saved me!"


	24. Chapter 24

DECEMBER 24 TUESDAY

Before propelling their way into official space Sirius and Remus took their spaceweed.

Then they reached the tip of the final bean stalk, and space. They stood on the wing of a satellite.

"Just so you know," said Sirius, and honestly, he wasn't trying to fuss, "you don't have to do this."

"There's no gravity why wouldn't I want to do this?"

"Because you're about to commit a criminal offence. You know? Destroying the moon is against the law, you will be world's most wanted criminal tomorrow morning. You knew that didn't you? Tell me you knew that."

"How was I supposed to knew that? I thought people would just go 'wow!' and then get on with their lives."

"Yes, but you will still be the most wanted criminal."

"Well...Thanks for the heads up. Anything else?"

"I don't want you to be the most wanted criminal."

"You're talking me out of this."

"You don't have some messianic duty to do it and you don't need to fix yourself. There. Just in case you thought so, or wanted someone to say it. There you have it. That's all. No. True peace comes from within. I know you only said that so I'd stop putting explosives in your cupboards. But there are moments when I can almost see it."

"That's clever, talking to my ego by quoting me. I said it so it must be true.. But really, I read that on the back of McGonagall's mug."

"I'm not trying to talk you out of it. I wouldn't dream of doing something Dumbledore wouldn't do or let him down in anyway."

"You just had to go there..."

"Honestly ignore me. I don't even know what I want. I want you to do this if it's what you have to do to be happy or find peace but I don't want you to get in trouble. I want you to fight the system but I don't want you to get in trouble. I want you to change your mind, but through your own realisation that the consequences will outweigh the benefit, or maybe because you want to spare me the worry because whatever then happens to you will then affect me, too."

"Well done. You win."

"That was all a joke just do it already."

"I never once stopped to consider how it could affect those closest to me.

"You can't please everybody sometimes you just gotta do things for youself!"

"You did it. You talked me out of it. I came all this way..."

"If you're just gonna take forever then maybe I'll just do it so we can go home already! _Pixiaxi!"  
_ "What are you doing? What about how I'm affected by what happens to you?"

"We'll be _fine_ let's not be overly paranoid that's just not the way to live."  
A formidable crack was already forming on the moon. It would surely have split in half if Remus had wrung the wand halves from him.

"I think we should leave."

"I think we should do what we came for and feel like we made a difference instead of turning back to a life of regret."  
"I'm not playing this game."

"What game?"

"The game where you automatically take the position that isn't mine."

Insert rude joke here.

"Give me my wand back."

"I'll hurt you again if I have to."

"You'll have to hurt me a first time first!"  
This could surely have culminated in a second face slashing but instead they turned their attention to a sound best compared to a speeding race car.

A great chariot had appeared as if from behind the moon and it was moving fast towards them, pulled by a large black cat.

The chaps ran to the tip of the stalk and began to climb down again but the chariot was catching up at a speed against which they just stood no chance. Sirius felt himself being plucked from the stalk like a bean and found himself being brought face to face with one of the ugliest face he had ever seen.

"I have awoken and I eat naughty children!" said the giant woman.

"My thing! My thing!" said Sirius, searching for the amulet or talisman, he always confused the two.

"Nooo!" cried the woman and flung him away.

Sirius fell and fell until he came to the herb garden of the much more sleep giant. He met James and Peter there.

"I came after all," said James.

"What made you change your mind?"

"If you're doing something epic I want to be part of it. Also I know that I can't leave you and Moony alone together for two seconds without it leading to som slashy moment."

"How do you know there was a slashy moment?"

"Where is he anyway?"

"The Yule Giantess can't want him. He's so very, very good!"

"He's got a talisman doesn't he?"

"Well I don't know. Why would he, since he's so very, very good?"

Then Remus came falling from the sky and landed in the garden. The giantess came falling quite soon after, but she kept falling past this stalk level.

"What happened?" James asked.

"Turns out it wasn't Hagrid's mum!"

They had to keep running, because they heard auror sirens in the distance.


	25. Chapter 25

DECEMBER 25 WEDNESDAY

The chaps were stuck in Oldshed because the massive snow fall was breaking all traffic and traffic jams were forming in every dimensions. Neved had jam been so cheap.

The air was packed with broomsticks, the floo stations had frozen.

"It feels like nothing was resolved yesterday," said James. "Anybody else feel like that? Nobody came and explain how it was all connected and part of their plan."

"People don't always show up to explain how everything connects," said Sirius. "What part does not make sense to you?"

"Maybe it's because most of it was our doing," said Remus.

"Maybe the true villains... _were us!"  
_ Oooooh!

"Maybe the only true criminal... _is man!"  
_ Also oooooh!

"I can force myself to accept that," said James. "But I still want to know why that councelor gave you space weed. It's too convenient. It's almost like..."

"She wanted him to do it!"

Ooooh!

There were just too many questions but alas, the councelor would not show up and explain everything to them.

Then they saw a familiar face. It was the familiar face of Phil. He was carrying a large turkey.

"Hello Phil," said the chaps.

"Hello," Phil replied. "I was on my way to Paris. I stopped here to pick up a turkey and then all traffic just fell apart because of this weather."

"Why are you going to Paris?" James asked.

"To see Roy, and bring him this turkey. He's locked himself up in a bell tower. I thought the mint sauce would cheer him up."

"Why has he done that?"

"He's not too pleased with how he looks. But it looks like I'm not going there today."  
Yuke in a French Cathedral, that sounded fun.

"Is there nothing he can do?" Sirius asked.

"There's only one known cure to the curse that has befallen him. The True Love's First Kiss."

"The TLFK?"

"Exactly. But how does anybody find their true love? He's well passed his first kiss, does that mean it's too late? What if he's already snogged his true love, but he did it _prior_ to the curse?"

There were so many questions.

"I could think of a way to go to Paris," said James. "That is to say if the other chaps can think of the same way. Eanbay...Talksay..."

A plant sprouted from the snow, a curly little bean plant.

"Well that was easy to guess," said Remus.

"Irefay...Lacepay...Iantgay..."

"You said 'I ain't gay'" said Sirius.

"I know because it's true."

"I know what you're trying to aysay."

Phil was slowly interpreting.

"Eenbay...Been...Talksay...Been stalk. Been stalked?"

"I'm sure Fletcher will let us use his beanstalk," said Sirius.

Fletcher had in any case not hidden it or protected it in anyway. Except by piles of crap.

"Defeated...at last..." said James.

Ah but then Remus made bean plants grow allover, colouring the piles a vibrant summery green and there was not a brown spot in sight or a fowl odour to be smelt. He looked pretty pleased. He looked _too_ pleased. Stop looking so pleased it's annoying.

"Don't be smug."

"We needed that crap," said Sirius. "If we're going to France we have to look like peasants."

"Yeah but it was a nice try, though. I'm sure your bean spell will come in handy some other way."

And so they went up the beanstalk and transported themselves to Paris through the snoozing giant's fire place. There they rubbed some ashes over themselves so the revolutionists in maid's clothing wouldn't take them for nobility.

"And here's Boulevard Dijon," said Phil, looking at a map. "And here's the Qu'ils Mangent de la Brioche Patisserie. And here's the the Oui-Oui Cathedral!"

And there it was, right besides the patisserie, looking magnificent and medieval.

Peter was up in the bell tower playing with teeth. No, not Peter. Roy. When Peter had been turned into Roy, Roy had in turn been turned into Peter. Now he looked like a very unkempt Peter, like he hadn't washed his robe for a _day._ He did not notice the chaps entering. His attention was entirely focused on his game of teeth and he laughed like a maniac, like he was high on a sugar.

"Who's a pretty boy? Who's a pretty boy? Me! I'm a pretty boy!"  
Oh dear.

Phil brought him the tin foil wrapped turkey.

"Merry Christmas Roy," he said, unwrapping the turkey and preparing it like he had been taught by Professor Olivier.

Roy clung to Phil as if to dear life. "Phil! You came!"

"Of course I did. And I brought some friends from school."  
Now Roy looked towards the door, where the chaps bid him season greetings. Roy turned away, and hid himself.

"No! You mustn't see me like this!"

Then he noticed Peter, and started becoming a fury red in the face,.

"You! You took my beauty from me!"

"N-n-n-n-n" said Peter, desperately trying to open the door again.

"You ruined my life! DIE FATTY DIE!"  
He flew at Peter, strangling him.

"Wow that edge is really crispy," said James, trying the turkey.

"That's what I like about Olivier. His tips just _work,"_ said Sirius.

"Hey, listen," said Remus to Roy. "Do you want to be yourself again?"

"More than anything!" Roy cried.

"Then...maybe _strangling_ him isn't the way to go."

"Bla bla violence doesn't solve..," said Sirius.

"Then what is the way to go?" Roy asked. "The only way I know of is the TLFK. But my True Love could be anybody!"

"Or, he could be in this very room!" said Remus.

"What, are you my true love?"

"No of course not."

"Is Sirius my true love?"

"Erm you tell me not."

"It wouldn't be our first snog, that's the problem."

"He means your body-snatcher," said Sirius. "You are your own true love."

"You call that thief my true love? That...beautiful and...gorgeous..."

Peter backed away as Roy came nearer, horrified to see himself puckering up.

"If it was ever going to happen it had to be like this," said Sirius.

Peter could not escape this despite being taller and more physically fit. Roy held him against the wall and kissed him.

"So romantic," said James. "And look, there's a star, twinkling. Hello star. Oh look, now it's moving towards us..."

"Oh look, it just came through the window. Hello, Juice. Merry Christmas," said Sirius.

Juice looked lovely in his tutu and fairy wings.

"God bless us everyone!" said Juice and turned Peter back into Peter, and Roy back into Roy.

FIN


End file.
